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Chapter 3: A Belated Interview

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The Daily Ramen, October 3

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru

New legislation has been introduced to mandate that school girls' skirts become even shorter. Not quite satisfied with the amount of pedophilia inspired by the already suggestive and revealing clothing of our young girls, the legislature is considering shortening the girls' skirts by another three centimeters. "We can't quite see their panties," explains one congressman. "Voters have expressed strong interest in this, as evidenced by the popular female caricatures in most anime." Not to be outdone, the female legislators are requesting tighter pants and much thinner fabric of the shirts that the young boys will wear. "The ties are hot. We just need to see a bit more booty, though we have agreed that assless chaps go a bit too far," explained one congresswoman. "Besides, given the dropping birthrate in Japan, this should help at least boost the teenage pregnancy numbers, especially for co-ed schools. Growth has to come from somewhere for our country to survive. It is our job as legislators to ensure this growth."

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto

Physicists from around the globe gathered at the latest black tie society event that was held in Konoha's most exclusive country club to see if the sheer number of self-absorbed asshole attendees would be sufficient enough to cause the formation of a black hole, an event which could provide significant learnings to the scientific community. Unfortunately, the event appeared to just barely miss the threshold of ego required for black hole formation. It is speculated that had Hyuuga Neji attended as planned, the 'self absorption' level would have more than exceeded the necessary threshold for the black hole to appear. Scientists are already scanning the high society calendars for the next likely opportunity.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

I would be the first to admit that a little PDA can be fun. I mean, where would I be without the occasional office-room tryst to accidentally stumble across? But there is a difference between courting the risk of being caught, and just straight-up having sex out in the open.

I was visiting a friend of mine in Madrid last weekend when we came across a couple screwing between two parked cars. In the middle of the afternoon. On a fairly busy street. I have to say that even I was shocked by this flagrant display of humping flesh. And the couple's seeming obliviousness to the numerous cameras that were whipped out and recording them going at it. Probably the most disturbing part was how casual they were about finishing up. Simply wiping themselves off (with a shared tissue no less... clearly their need for intimacy knows no bounds), righting their clothing then walking off.

This is why I always carry Purell to use after shaking hands with strangers. You never know what those hands were just doing. I give them a 9 for sheer brazenness, but a 3 for hygiene.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

Recently, a man convicted of multiple counts of rape and murder was released from a Texas prison (where he had been waiting on death row) due to a technicality. One month later, as the man was attempting to use a knife to extract a piece of bread that was jammed in his toaster, he electrocuted himself in his own kitchen. He was pronounced dead on the scene by EMTs. While I wish I could give the toaster a high five, the best I can do is to award the man 'dumbass of the day'. And who says karma doesn't exist?