Give us our Daily Ramen

Chapter 16: Outed?

The Daily Ramen, April 15

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

Right-wing conservatives in the state of Colorado had their worst fears come true after gay marriage was legalized by the US Supreme Court. "I just knew it would destroy the institution of marriage if same-sex marriage were legalized. And now it has!" The nearly hysterical man was referring to the recent ballot initiative launched by the conservative party there to try to reverse the effect of the Supreme Court ruling by making gay marriage still illegal in their state. Unfortunately, they were in such a hurry to get it to the ballot box that the current wording actually makes ALL marriage illegal in the state, if it were to pass. Thereby destroying the institution of marriage. By their own stupid, self-fulfilling prophecy. I had to fight Inuzuka for which one of us got to run this story. Being one of the 'bosses', I won. But it was close.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

It was recently revealed that Konoha has been blessed with BOTH of Japan's most eligible bachelors. In order to take advantage of this asset and help local struggling businesses, the City Council will vote today on an edict formally requesting the Uchiha brothers to wear skin tight clothing and stand outside the storefronts to help stimulate our local economy. When asked if they would consider kissing, they simultaneously commented "Hn", thus clarifying all aspects on that matter.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

'A roll in the hay' is a time-honored phrase for young couples in heat to seize the moment. But you have to choose your flora carefully. Not just any secluded bed of plants will do. A pair of eager young lovers in a local park thought that the hedges would provide sufficient cover for a quick romp. Unfortunately, neither of them had studied horticulture sufficiently to notice that the underbrush was full of poison ivy. Their moment of afterglow was cut short by the man finding out their mistake the hard way. The unfortunate couple spent the rest of the week itching in awkward places. Words of wisdom: Learn to identify your plants, or keep it indoors. Or bring a blanket next time.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

Sometimes people are so dumb they really should be taken out of the gene pool before they reproduce. One man did just exactly that. He decided it would be 'fun' to throw a concrete brick off an overpass and try to hit oncoming traffic near a construction site. So he lugged a broken piece up onto the bridge and waited for a rush of cars to come. He failed to notice that the concrete had rebar in it, which snagged the hem of his jeans as he shoved the heavy block off the bridge. It pulled him over the bridge into the busy street. Luckily, the block didn't hit anyone else. Just our dumbass of the day.

BAD SHIT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU - But at least now you know. Weekly horoscope by Aburame Shino

To the Tigers: Your paranoia about being a little pawn in a large, complex game is unfounded. The game is actually rather small and simple. And you don't even qualify as a pawn. To the pigs: While many say that violence never solves anything, you will find it comes in quite handy when dealing with an annoying drunk who doesn't seem to take the hint. To the dogs: Next Wednesday, you will have the misfortune to find out what the world record is for the most bones broken through sheer stupidity in the shortest amount of time.