Give us our Daily Ramen

Chapter 22: Going Fast

The Daily Ramen, May 29

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

Why can't Tinder exist in reality? The online 'hook-up' app that has taken the world by storm by its 'swipe' technology making the selection of potential hook-ups as easy as swiping right on a photo to 'match' or left to decline makes me wish that the same functionality existed in real life. If someone comes up to me in a bar and begins telling me a boring story about their life, why can't I just slide my finger left and have them magically disappear from my view? Or in the office place. If a co-worker is giving you some unsolicited feedback on your work, can't you just 'slide left' and make them stop? Even better would be when an attractive woman passes you on the street. If you could slide right just when eye contact is made and wind up in bed… now THAT is a virtual reality I would enjoy.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

Local cat, Mrs. Nisbet, finally answered demands and created her own facebook page. Currently, she is 'self-employed and loving it'. She also may have licked one of the burgers that were foolishly left unguarded on the dining room table by the walking can-openers she lives with. Latest post: I don't need feminism, because I am for the oppression of all humans. She found the Facebook app that answers the question 'what type of cat are you' utterly ridiculous.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

A word of wisdom for the ladies out there who enjoy sneaking kisses in a public space. If you really want to maintain discretion, you should consider your choice in lipstick color, or at least the quantity that you wear. I was recently ejoying an exhibit of ancient Japanese swords at a local museum, when I noticed a young, very proper-looking couple sneak into an alcove for a little body contact. The discretion was done quite well, but when they reappeared in our tour group, the man had bright red lipstick smeared all over his mouth and neck. The woman hand some on her face and cleavage (presumably double-transfer). They were so busy trying to pretend not to look at each other and feign 'friends only' that they clearly missed a pretty obvious sign of their 'acquaintanceship'. Still - it was fairly well done. I give them a seven for artistic use of color.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

If you're going to be a player, make sure you keep your phone list current. One poor sucker made this rookie mistake. He took the number of a very hot looking girl named Vicki. And didn't realize that he hadn't deleted the entry for Vicky - the sister of his recent ex. Needless to say, the steamy message he left on "Vicky's" machine telling her to meet him at his apartment on Friday night didn't wind up as expected when - instead of a hot hook-up - he got slapped in the face by his ex and her sister. Bruh… you're a dumbass.

BAD SHIT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU - But at least now you know. Weekly horoscope by Aburame Shino

To my tigers: Your life will acquire a new dimension of interest when you finally discover that girls, in fact, do not have cooties and actually can provide some very interesting diversions. Too bad you believed your brother twenty-five years ago. To the sheep: 2015 is your year! This actually means you are responsible for all upkeep and outcomes. Get to it. To the dogs: Your focus on what the stars have to say about your future is undermined when you realized it was the asteroids you really should have been watching. Especially that really big one.