Give us our Daily Ramen

Chapter 19: Realizations

The Daily Ramen, May 15

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

North Korea bristled this week at news that Donald Trump was running for US president. "This threatens our position for 'country with most insane leader'. We refuse to allow the US to steal this hegemony from us." Leaders from both the Republican and Democratic parties assured North Korean officials that Trump was basically unelectable after he gave out the personal phone number of a congressman he was annoyed with on live TV. North Korean officials were only partially appeased, and threatened to execute more military operations near the closest Trump Towers to show their position on this matter clearly.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

A friend of mine recently sent me a link to a list of human phobias. Now generally, I have no problem with anyone's mental deals. I mean, we've all got them, right? I have met a lot of people, and I have yet to meet a fully sane one, including myself (just ask my co-workers). But some on the list took me by surprise by their specificity. For example, ephibiphobia: the fear of teenagers. I guess if high school was shitty enough, that one makes sense, though I would have to say just fuck it and go all the way and be afraid all people regardless of their age, since they don't necessarily get nicer as they get older. Just better at hiding it. But there were a few that - if they really become wide-spread - will have buying some cats (or a really big dog) and moving into the nearest lighthouse. Epistemophobia - the fear of knowledge - and cenophobia - the fear of new ideas were pretty bad. But the worst was allodoxaphobia: the fear of opinions. OPINIONS. Like... really? Is this a real thing? This reminds me a bit of my tenth grade political science teacher. Ebisu Sensei. Fucking hated him. I want someone to come up with the name for a phobia of people who have those three phobias. Because that's totally me.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

Sometimes people aren't aware that they're committing acts of PDA when they totally are. As a general word of advice to my readers, I tell people to assume that anything sex-related that you do online is basically fair game for the general public. This week, millions of people learned that lesson the hard way when the notorious "cheater's website" Ashley Madison had their files hacked. The slogan of the company: 'Life is short. Have an affair' attracted millions of married people looking for a little side action. The site promised anonymity, despite the fact that you had to use a personal credit card to sign up. People posted details of their personal life "Manhattan Mother of Four, seeking excitement", as well as reviews on 'successful hook-ups' (the 'mother of four' connected with a 'Brooklyn father of three' they day after Mother's day in a hotel in midtown Manhattan, for example, detailing out the quality of the sex had). Both parties were apparently pleased with the turn of events. Until the site got hacked and now they are all subject to blackmail as the lists of 'active' participants are being sold to the highest bidder based on income level, employer and geographic location. Now, I have to say I have zero sympathy for cheaters. But if you're going to cheat, doing it in an online forum is only appropriate if you want your spouse (and potentially your employer) to find out. Many of the users are now bemoaning how 'the hackers ruined their lives', but really, the hacker wasn't the one who made you put all this information out there, or cheat on your spouse. I give them all zeros, for sexual stupidity. In my personal book, I also deduct an additional 100 points for the grossness of the cheating.