Give us our Daily Ramen

Chapter 12: Tuesday Night

The Daily Ramen, January 2

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

Politicians gear up for new season of lying and generally disappointing and disillusioning their constituents. Both new and seasoned elected officials will need to decide whether they will focus more on failing to deliver the promises that got them elected, or fail to live up to social and moral expectations by performing morally reprehensible acts in their personal lives. "There's also campaign finance fraud," one senate senior candidate said thoughtfully. "That covers both areas nicely." A younger member of parliament showed enthusiasm with the prospects for the year ahead. "With a fresh batch of people reaching voting age this political cycle, we have an entire new group of people to make false promises and not deliver to. I'm only hoping we can live up to the same level of corruption and ineffectiveness as our predecessors."

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

Local traffic cop admits she just really likes fucking with people. "It's fun," the middle-aged female police officer said, gesturing with her white gloved hand. "You see these people all in a hurry and frustrated at having to wait, but they don't dare blow their horn at me or yell because… I'm a cop and in the end I can bust their self-important asses. It's great."

She smirked as a man in a Lexus was about to run the red light near us then slammed on his breaks when he saw her looking at him. "Yeah… some days it's good to be The Man."

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

Nothing is more romantic than meeting your lover at the airport after a long time apart. I was picking up a friend of mine when I got to witness just such a reunion. The young couple kissed briefly, exchanging sweet looks before the man slung his carry-on over his shoulder and they headed out. I remember thinking that they appeared to be a very sweet and innocent couple, perfectly balancing their desire to express their feelings while still aware that they were in a public space. We happened to end up in line behind them in the Taxi stand. And in the cab directly behind them. So we had a front row seat for when they appeared to have a major personality transformation began viciously making out with each other, the woman tugging the man's shirt over his head and tossing it aside. Perhaps they forgot that inside a public car with clear windows on a busy public street is not in fact 'private'. We couldn't tell for sure if they were actually full-on having sex right in the cab, but our driver missed two turns following them and it took as an extra twenty minutes to get home because of it.

Though at least we got a free show. They probably had to pay an extra fee for cleaning the cab, though. Still, they get an 8 for intensity.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

Everyone has heard of beer goggles… the well-known effect alcohol has on us to make other people seem much more attractive than they would have before that sixth shot. But really, how drunk do you have to be to mistake an inflatable raft for a human? Well, you should go ask the Frenchman who was drunk so far off his ass that he called the fire department to help him 'save' a drowning victim. When authorities arrived on the scene, they found the drunken idiot trying to give CPR to a dinghy. So they arrested him for public intoxication. Incidentally, the raft is doing fine. Seriously, wtf, dude? You are definitely our dumb-ass of the day.