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Chapter 6: Showdown Over Cavier

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The Daily Ramen, November 7

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru

Localized apocalypses are being reported all around the globe due to a catastrophically bad 'final chapter' of a popular Japanese manga. A woman dangling off the edge of a tall office building in New York City explains. "I just... I knew the pairing I shipped couldn't be mainstream. I knew it. But... what happened in that final chapter just... it violated all rules of storytelling. It was in direct contradiction to all of the 698 chapters that came before it. And... (she sobbed)... there were so many plot points left unexplained. Everyone aged so poorly and looked like gross versions of their parents. And... and... BOLT AND SALAD? No. Just no. My life is over due to poor naming choices," she said, releasing her grip on the ledge and landing with a melodramatic plop on a fluffy mattress she had laid out on the balcony below her before grabbing her briefcase and rushing off to work so as to not be late. But the upside to all the manga-associated angst is that global sales of both alcohol and gay porn have nearly doubled in the past 48-hours, giving the global economy a needed boost as it had been drifting once again towards recession.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto

It has recently been disclosed that Uchiha Sasuke purchased a brand new McLaren MSO-P1. Aside from the fact that is strange for a grown man to want to purchase something that so closely resembles the Batmobile, rumors are arising around what he could possibly be... compensating for. A local expert on male sexual behavior has described such vehicles as 'the little dick' cars, whereby men who obviously lack horsepower in other areas try to make up for it with their vehicles. It should be noted that I personally drive a Prius. So... you know... nothing to prove here.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

A reader of my column recently e-mailed me and asked whether performing sexual acts in front of animals was technically considered PDA. At first I laughed, assuming this was a joke. Then I opened the attachment. Oh, Dear Lord. While having sex in a zoo is not considered PDA due to the animals that are watching, it is considered PDA for the busload of elementary school children that are clearly visible peeking at you through the bushes from where you and your partner were 'getting in tune with you animal nature'. While I was impressed by the thought that had gone into the animal cosplay outfits you had chosen, I docked points for your choice of audience. Monkeys are fine. 7-year-olds not so much.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

In a classic version of Romeo and Juliet, a man was in the process of divorcing his wife of twenty years and mother of their three children to marry a woman half his age (interestingly, the same age as his daughter). The man and his mistress were making out in the back seat of his Mercedes as he told her in detail how he had set up a secret bank account over the past two years of their affair to hide a significant portion of his wealth from his wife and her divorce attorney. Unfortunately for him, he had not taken his wife's number off his cell phone, and accidentally butt-dialed her just before the conversation had started. It turns out his wife was able to not only take excellent notes, but she recorded it as well, and now has excellent documentation not only of the length and nature of the affair, but a detailed record of his financial misconduct. You, sir, are our Dumbass of the Day