Give us our Daily Ramen

Chapter 7: Gym Time

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The Daily Ramen, November 21

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru

How did I ever miss this? My status as a savvy global reporter is in question. Playboy has been ranking US Universities, both by hottest bodies and 'Top 10 Party Schools'. Is there any wonder that the international brain drain, syphoning the brightest minds and most creative individuals, has been continuing despite the generally poor US economic performance? I have already penned a letter to our Minister of Education recommending that Japan hire a writer from Hustler to rank top Japanese schools. Junior high through college. Hey, we totally beat the US in the lower grades. Why not market it better? And who wouldn't want to send their 14-year-old girl to a school recommended by Playboy?

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto

A local five star hotel was rumored to have cut a deal with local retailers to embed tracking devices in sleeping guests phones to monitor shopping patterns and preferences to use in better targeting of marketing efforts. When asked, the hotel owner refused to comment except to say he knew what I bought at the adult entertainment store I shopped at just before this interview, and would I be interested in one of their bondage-themed rooms. Interestingly, the targeting portion of their approach seems quite effective.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

Who says that you're ever too old to enjoy the little playgrounds at the local McDonalds or Burger King? I was enjoying my lunch when a busload of college students arrived. It was just after the lunch rush so the place was mostly empty. While the rest of the group was placing their order, a young couple snuck away into the enclosed play area, behind the slide and into the pit of plastic balls. I have to say, they were very efficient, and had sense enough to keep most of their activity 'submerged' beneath the tiny colored plastic spheres. There were, of course, no children present at the time, so they didn't get docked for that. I give them an 8 for boldness, obvious mutual enjoyment, and creative use of play equipment. I believe is my highest rating so far. Now we know why the mothers always insist on wiping their kiddies' hands after playing on the playground.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

A man in China recently cut his dick off (you heard me correctly)... CUT HIS DICK OFF because he was unhappy about the state of his sex life. Not surprisingly, he regretted this decision almost immediately and bicycled (yes, he BIKED WITH HIS DICK CUT OFF) to the hospital. Only to realize he'd left his dick at home (that's what she said?). Because… it's pretty hard to think straight with your DICK CUT OFF. Ok. Do I even need to say it? He is definitely the dumbass of the day. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that cutting off your dick does not, in fact, improve your chances with the ladies.

BAD SHIT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU - But at least now you know. Weekly horoscope by Aburame Shino

After all the work I put in last week to divine the future for everyone on the planet, I was informed that I still needed to write a horoscope this week. I have looked into it and determined that there is no future. For anyone. Why? Because I have a hangover. And therefore the world is ending. All is darkness. The upside is that anything you do this week will potentially not have consequences, if the world is truly ending. How strongly do you believe? This is your test.