Give us our Daily Ramen

Chapter 8: A Decision

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The Daily Ramen, December 7

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru

A world-famous archaeologist from Oxford was ecstatic when a recent excavation in Egypt revealed what appeared to be an ancient BDSM sex chamber for a relatively unknown Pharaoh, knowing that it would considerably 'up his cred' at faculty parties and other campus events. "It would have been even better if it had been Cleopatra's, because everyone wanted to know what that woman was like in the sack. But even an unknown pharaoh is good. After all these years of finding useless crap like broken pottery, religious artifacts, and paintings of harvesting techniques or other boring shit, we finally got to the good stuff." Attendance in the professor's freshman archaeology lecture had been dropping in recent years, but with the promise of a discussion of ancient sexual kinks, enrollment has almost doubled. It is rumored that his sex life has picked up as well, as his new pick-up line of 'I have a scale replica of an ancient Egyptian sex chamber in my bedroom' is more compelling than 'Would you like to read my latest dissertation on ancient agricultural techniques.'

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto

Plastic surgeon admits dejectedly that too few of his patients are actually hot enough to be porn stars. "Plastic surgeons had it easy in the 1970's when a 'natural' look was in with porn. Now the bar is much higher. People expect perfection," he said, the surgical mask still covering most of his face. He pulled out an orange book that showcased his best work and let me look through it. I have to say, his breast implant 'hall of fame' was quite impressive. I must be watching the wrong pornos.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

I have witnessed some public proposals that were actually quite romantic but there can come a point where it appears that the person is going more for getting the attention of random strangers than actually proposing in a meaningful way to try to get someone to spend the rest of their lives with them. I was visiting one of my friends in the US last week. We were driving along the highway, and there was a huge billboard with the photo of a diamond engagement ring. The billboard said "Susan… will you marry me?" This was on the outskirts of a city of about six hundred thousand people. At first I assumed this was an advertisement of a jewelry store, but my friend assured me that it was in fact an actual marriage proposal. And I was curious as to what kind of person would actually propose marriage in this way. Was he trying to make the ring look bigger? (Men and their 'size' issues…) Was he so afraid of rejection that he needed to do it remotely? Was he open for any Susan in particular, and just hoping one would bite? Just for the record, if a man proposed to me that way, I would rent out the adjacent billboard and have it say "Ask me in person you fucking coward."

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

In a recent rally, motorcyclists gathered to protest the law requiring them to wear helmets while riding. After signing a petition that it violated his right to personal choice, one of the protesters drove off, removing his helmet and pumping it into the air to show his support. Unfortunately, he wasn't paying attention and ran a red light. And crashed. And died of head injuries that would have been avoided if he had been wearing his helmet. Dumbass.