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Chapter 4: A Birthday Edition

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The Daily Ramen, October 10th SPECIAL EDITION

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru

Recent scientific research shows that heterosexual males' stress levels (and therefore risk of heart failure) drop significantly when viewing women's naked breasts. There is a working hypothesis that the visual stimuli of a male ass is the equivalent for gay men. Likely for bi men, it's an either/or situation. Interestingly, people who over-indulge in greasy, take-out ramen see their risk of heart failure increase, making it an even more critical issue to mitigate. Despite all of this medical research, one local man is standing strong in his retarded self-proclaimed celibacy, for a reason that none of his friends here at the Daily Ramen have been able to understand. This previously very sexually active male, who at one point dated both men and women with equal fervor, can be reached at the following number and e-mail address. Our political cartoonist was gracious enough to draw a full-bodied likeness. The 'uncensored' version is available on our website. Just click on the 'getNarutolaid' tab and select the 'full-monty' link. (18+ please).

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto

As a follow-up to our story two weeks ago on the Uchiha's cat, sources close to Uchiha Sasuke asked him about the reported dissatisfaction of his cat. His reported response was "Hn." This is a word that some say the Uchiha learned while meditating in Tibet trying to reach enlightenment. Another source claims it was actually a word from ancient Etruscan, a language that the Uchiha sometimes uses to mystify adversaries in business dealings. A third theory is simply that he is too much of an egotistical ass to be bothered with giving a proper response, but the source of that theory could not be verified.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

While most neighbors complain if disturbances get too loud, we all know that - every once in a while - it's pretty hot to hear someone getting it on through the walls of your bedroom late at night. A middle-aged couple called me recently to complain about the lack of any noise what-so-ever coming from their previously vocal blond neighbor's apartment. "I mean... it was bad when it was EVERY night. The wife and I both work, so it was a bit exhausting at one point. But having a little extra stimulation for me and the missus was enjoyable occasionally. With the absence of any sort of 'neighborly activity' recently, we've had to resort to actually renting porn when we want a little 'side action.' We moved into this apartment with a certain set of expectations, having a young, sexually active single male living next door. If this dearth of bedroom activity continues, we might be forced to demand compensation for our porn rental fees from him. I mean... it's been over a year. Enough is enough."

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

The co-owner of a certain periodical actually trusted his best friend and long-time partner in crime to do the final editing of the edition that just happened to be coming out on his birthday. Not only did this dumbass not check the content, but he actually bought the excuse that the staff had all been late with their deadlines, and since he was the only one who made his, he was allowed to go home early and take the rest of the evening off. Dude - I can't believe you fell for that! When do we EVER let you leave before the paper goes live? The admin password has been changed and will remain locked until the next edition is ready, so there is no way you can take this down, bra. It's already printed and out for distribution. YOU, my man, are our dumbass of the day.