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Chapter 11: The Morning After

The Daily Ramen, December 28

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

As we wind up the year, I am here to reveal The Daily Ramen's New Year's resolution: to fool (more) people into thinking we are actually a news site. There is precedence. In 2012, the American satirical publication The Onion fooled leading Chinese and South Korean news papers when it ran a piece declaring North Korea's Kim Jong-un the Sexiest Man Alive. It also fooled the Washington DC police with a tweet that the US congress had taken a group of school children hostage. And the Daily Currant recently caused a stir when it 'revealed' that Kim Kardashian was running for president in the 2016 US presidential elections, with a photoshopped image of her with Kanye and President Obama (#KimKardashianForPresident). As I head off to welcome the New Year with a few prayers and likely a hangover from hell, let us all personally aspire to achieve such levels of greatness.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

Rumors are circulating about an event last week in the National Diet (our parliament, for those of you who've forgotten) where our local representative from Konoha was arguing the finer points of immigration when his phone went off, interrupting the conversation. The disruption itself was not so unusual, but it was the fact that the 80-year-old's ring tone was set to 'Baby got Back' that caused the uproar. The venerable representative was not immediately available to confirm or deny these rumors. Nor was the extremely young, extremely shapely, young woman who is apparently the owner of the number the ring-tone was associated with. I plan on thoroughly investigating this to confirm or deny whether 'baby' does in fact 'got back'. Ah, the things we journalists need to do to 'bring the truth' to our readers.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

I've been to a lot of holiday parties over the past few weeks. I've seen some romantic dates, passionate kisses, and hopeful handholding. All of that is good and warms my heart (and occasionally other places, depending on how good the kissing was). But there has been one consistent thorn in my holiday party going that needs to be addressed. Mistletoe. You're better off sticking to lots of alcohol as a means of getting someone you're stalking notice you. Learn to read body language, people. If they girl you're following around at the party is willing to literally crawl under the snack table to avoid any possible proximity between you, her and the deadly mistletoe, then she's just not into you. And I beg party hosts and hostesses the world over to please just kill this weapon of stalkers off your holiday party decorating lists, already. If it's intimate friends and family, then fine. But if it's a big office party or large social event, stick to holly if you absolutely have to have some shrubbery dangling about.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

Police had been searching for a man accused of robbing a convenience store, but he had been in hiding for several days and the cops had been able to find him. Evidently missing his friends, the brain-child posts on Snapchat that he's finally back at his house. At least one of his friends must have been a law-abiding citizen, because someone reported this piece of information to the police, who proceeded to search the guy's house, but to no avail. No avail, that is, until the dumbass posted another motherfucking Snapchat saying that the cops were in his house and he was hiding in the cabinet and haha they hadn't found him yet. Dude. Seriously? And here we have it. Our dumbass of the day. Currently located in jail.