Give us our Daily Ramen

Chapter 15: Planes and Parties

The Daily Ramen, March 27

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

News analysts and political junkies tried to compile a list of 'the dumbest tweets' of the past 5 years of political figures. Unfortunately, they were not prepared for the sheer volume of material that they would have to work with. The size of their search nearly broke the internet as Terabytes of data showing the stupidity of our global leaders crashed the first six systems that they tried to build to analyze this. Content ranged from inappropriate sharing of their personal lives, stupid mis-statements, gross inaccuracy of basic facts and of course the large volume of sex scandals. The current projection is that it will take five years to sort through the massive data set before a 'top 100 list' can be complied. Of course, the rate at which our politicians keep adding to the pile of stupidity might make this project impossible to ever complete. But at least I have an excuse for sleeping through the next election, given the choice of candidates.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

Local man feels threatened by the latest scientific discovery that shows that rats, in fact, can dream about the future and things they want to achieve. "I mean… it's just one more way that they're taking away what differentiates us from lower animals. What next? Animals that are able to be in a monogamous relationship? What? Wolves do that? Fuck! I want my supremacy back!" The man stalked off and was unavailable for further comment.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

You have to choose a proper location for your PDAs. Even if you are 'caught up in the moment' you need to be aware of your surroundings. There was a young couple who had been making eyes at a local skate park, and finally decided to do something about it. They stopped in the middle of the path and began seriously sucking face. It was going pretty well, actually, with their helmets falling to the side and all. But of course they weren't the only skaters in the park. Or on the path. And a twelve-year-old who was trying to get to the ramp simply skated right between them, shoving them apart saying 'get a room' before popping up onto the railing and sliding down to the terrain park. It really killed the moment when they both landed on their butts in the dirt. I give them a 6 for passion, but a 3 for location selection.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

Ok, I admit I am a fan of a girl in tight jeans. But dude, there does come a point when they're just too tight. A 35-year-old woman suffered severe nerve damage after wearing her 'skinny jeans' to help a friend move. Walking home, her legs became numb and she collapsed, unable to move for several hours before finally being taken to a hospital. After four days on IV, neurologists were able to confirm there was no permanent nerve damage, but it was a close call. Follow my friend's basic rule of thumb, ladies. If you have to bounce it more than twice to get in, then they're too tight. It might be a nice ass, but still earned the dumbass award.

BAD SHIT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU - But at least now you know. Weekly horoscope by Aburame Shino

To the rabbits: Either stop taking your dating advice from Cosmo, or stop complaining that people like you only for sex. My dragons: you will find your job search much more fruitful if you are less honest about your hobbies/interest. Listing out 'hard core bondage and writing fanfic porn' is not winning you any jobs. Though the head of HR of the last place you applied to did take note of your phone number. To the Oxen: You really should have read up on the 'no corporal punishment' philosophy in schools before picking up that schoolteacher at the bar, taking them home and demanding to be spanked.