Give us our Daily Ramen

Chapter 10: The start of things

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The Daily Ramen, December 22

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

Your mother was wrong. All those times she told you that playing computer games was a waste of time? Wrong. Her wrongness has even been scientifically proven. Recent studies have shown that playing first-person shooter games do more than just incite violent tendencies and give parents an excuse for their failure to actually raise their children. It even does more than improve hand-eye coordination. Actually, it now appears that people who played such games have more highly developed spatial reasoning and focus, higher visual acuity and better decision-making. That's right. People who like to play violent, shoot-em-up games are better decision makers than those who don't. With that said, I am off to play Call of Duty. If my next column is late because of it, it is only because I am trying to improve my decision-making skills.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

Many people are looking for a cause, something to give meaning to their life. One local man has finally found something he really cares about, something that touches his everyday life and fuels his dreams. It is a movement by leading porn stars demanding to be fucked harder. That's right. No more of this sub-par fucking. Our local man is totally down with that, and looking for ways to contribute more meaningfully to the righteous cause. And he is very willing to get behind it. Or on top of it. Or under it. Really any position at all.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

Sweaty dreams. We all have them. Sometimes about that hot, off-limits co-worker that you fantasize about shoving into the supply closet and ripping off his shirt. Sometimes about the person on the radio with the sexy voice that stirs you up. There's nothing wrong with a good fantasy. But if you are prone to being particularly vocal in your dreams, then you might want to be careful about falling asleep on the public bus. I was riding home from work the other day, when a man next to me was clearly having a rather nice dream. He was slumped against the window, just a trickle of drool coming out of his mouth innocently, when the moans started. Followed by a (rather impressive) tent forming in his work pants, and then the calling out of "Oh, Ty Lee… yeah, upside-down on your hands… oh, yeah, uhhhgggg." Evidently he had reached the 'good part' of the dream. Given the verbal description of what appeared to be quite acrobatic sex, I give him at least a seven for imagination. Too bad there was no visual to go along with the narrative.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

There's nothing wrong with being proud to show off your new tattoo. Especially if it's in a place where not many people will get to see it. But if you're going to snap a pic to post on facebook and share with the world, you want to be sure that you don't have any extra "body parts" showing that could get you arrested. Or fired. One local man didn't quite figure that out. He had a new tattoo on his upper thigh that he wanted to show his friends. Unfortunately, he forgot to have 'Mr. Wiggly' step aside for the photo shoot. And in his excitement to 'share' with his friends, he posted the shot on facebook that included more than half of his penis. Where he shared it with many friends. Including some people at work. And his boss.