[✔] White over Red (boyxboy)

(M) ֍CHAPTER 33: Kliment's Journal

Wednesday (2019/7/3):

I didn't know when it started. But my cock always reacts when I'm around him. I wasn't too innocent not to notice it. I just couldn't distinguish between lust and love when it comes to him. He looks exactly like me. But when I look at him, I don't feel like I'm looking at myself at all. Sometimes I wonder if me being attracted to him is similar to that of Narcissus falling in love with himself. What is it about Kirill that I like so much? Was it because of our connection? 'The feels' as we called it? He's the closest to me. But also the farthest.

But then I came to a conclusion. After joining the 'Sinners', I realised that it doesn't matter. It's just the same. Love and lust are the same thing. Narcissus and I could be the same person. And whether the connection exists or not, I'd still want him. So fuck it all.

Stepan said that we are all sinners. He is right. He also said that our sins should be recorded. I laughed at him when he first told me about it. But when I saw the recordings of their sins, it was like an awakening inside of me. I am a sinner. I'm just like them. My unspeakable fantasies could only be understood by these four other people. I love pen and paper so this journal is the recording of my sins.

Tuesday (2019/7/9):

Now, where do I start? Yes. Kirill. Let's start with Kirill. Kirill is my sin. We only physically meet during New Years, Christmases, and once in our birthday month. Usually, I would fly out to New Japan instead of him coming to Krasniy. One of the reasons, other than the fact that Kirill refuses to meet our mother, would be that Krasniy is just a small town while Kirill lives in the city. When I go there, we will have more activities to do and places to go. Language wasn't a barrier for us. We both mastered Japanese, Russian, and English. It was due to the hybridity of our parents, of course. I know that Kirill has a long list of lovers as he grew older. I met one of them once and I guess Kirill can sense my hostility towards him that he stopped bringing over his lover when he's with me.

He doesn't know why I was being hostile. But he also didn't ask. That's Kirill for you. He won't bother himself with reasons. He just does things in accordance to what he sees fit. He saw that I didn't like meeting his lover, he just stopped but he doesn't need to know the reason why. I guess that attitude of his also contributed to the fact that he never would have known how I felt towards him. I could have guessed how he'll react if he finds out. He'll cry for sure. And he'll start blaming himself for not being aware of it in the first place. He will for sure think of me first before himself. He should have been more worried about himself rather than worrying about me. Because I won't compromise.

If he found out and he blamed himself for it, I will definitely make full use of that. Sometimes I was a bit straightforward with him. I told him he looks 'sexy' when he only wears his boxers on and flaunts his body in front of me. I told him that he's the only one that could turn me on. I also told him that I want to kiss him. But he always took them all as a joke. Sometimes I don't know whether I should be happy or sad over his obliviousness.

But I still have time. And I can still fantasise about him for now. That is until the time when I no longer want to fantasise about him. When I finally want to turn them into reality.

Monday (2019/7/24):

I was on a videocall with Kirill today. He wore only shorts. He had just gotten back from playing basketball. It was hard to remain calm. I've long wanted to spread his legs wide. Just seeing him wearing only shorts drove me crazy. Not to mention his abdominal muscles and tattoo. Who can look away? I think I should tie him up to the bed. I want him to be fully clothed at the time so that I can use a knife to rip off his clothes piece by piece. He must be looking confused if he knows that it's me. That's why I want his eyes covered so that he won't even know that it was his own twin brother shoving his cock down his asshole.