The Edge

Gideon: Part Twelve

"You got a second?"

Arian immediately looked wary. Gideon tried to reassure himself that it was his choice of word–got a second rarely meant good things these days, or ever–but it still stung to see. That's why you're here, he reminded himself. You have to make this right. "Sure," Arian said. "What's up?"

Gideon made sure he wasn't standing too close before he started talking. "I just...wanted to apologize for how I acted. I know I scared you and made you feel unsafe and that was wrong of me. I'm really sorry, Arian. I promise I would never hurt you and I wasn't going to. For whatever that's worth."

Arian's nose wrinkled slightly. He always looked a bit skeptical when people apologized to him, like he was trying to see where the manipulation was. "You did scare the shit out of me," he said finally.

"I know."

"You're terrifying sometimes."

"I know that, too. I'm trying not to be, I promise. I just..." How could he explain himself without sounding like he was making excuses? "It all got away from me. I don't plan on making a habit of it, I swear." He glanced at Arian. "You can punch me, if you want."

He meant that sincerely, but Arian just let out a startled laugh in response. He must've taken it as a joke. On the plus side, that diffused the tension a little bit. "Apology accepted," Arain said. "But if you do it again, I get to bite you."

"That's fair."

"That's my only condition, though.'" Arian paused. "Okay, two conditions. I want a soda the next place we land that has soda."

"That's fair, too." Gideon knew Arian was being sincere. it wasn't a conventional olive branch, but it was one metaphorically, and the thought made him smile. "I can do that."

There was one other thing he could do for his brother: indirectly say his favorite sentence. "Hey, about what you were saying to Helen," Gideon said quietly "about her and Cassandra having a fight..."

True to form, Arian perked up immediately. "Yeah? What? Did Helen say something?"

"Not to me, but I've been thinking about it, and I think you're onto something." Arian, to his credit, looked more excited than smug. "I just can't figure out what. I did notice things got a little tense between them after Mom and Dad died, but...I don't know, I thought it was just grief. We all handled that differently."

"Yeah..." Arian leaned against the wall and blew a prolonged raspberry. "I had thought about that, too. Like maybe this whole thing got Cass so existential that it drove her all the way out there. Sealing yourself in a ship in the furthest reaches of space to brood is just an extreme version of locking yourself in your room to get away from everyone. It could've just taken one little argument to push her to that, especially if she was embarrassed..." He hesitated, pulled out his phone, tapped at the screen for a moment, then held it out to Gideon. "Does this read as 'embarrassed' to you?"

Gideon was surprised, then touched. Arian was pretty protective of his phone; if he was letting Gideon look at it, he must have meant that apology accepted. Gideon took the phone. There was a conversation thread on screen, one between Arian and "Cas :)", all the messages dated before Cassandra went missing.

I don't know. She might not be too happy to see me.

We had a fight last time I saw her.

It's nothing. It was stupid.

Gideon didn't know if that read as "embarrassed," but it did strike him as familiar. He hadn't had exactly the same conversation, but he'd definitely had similar ones with both of them in the wake of Mom and Dad's deaths. He'd notice tension, ask about it, and they'd brush off any implication that it was serious.

I'd always thought they were close, but then again...maybe that's the problem. It was possible to be too close to someone. Two parts of a whole, never really yourself. He'd experienced a version of that himself: everyone in his group was considered part of a whole. Even him being the teacher's pet only meant that he was one of the betterparts, the part that everyone else had to be like.

Do they know what that's like, too?

"Did you ever feel like Mom and Dad didn't trust Cassandra as much?" Gideon asked.

Arian had to think about it. "I mean, it definitely felt like Helen was the one doing most of the oldest sibling stuff," he said, "which doesn't mean they didn't trust her...why, did you get a different vibe?"

"I don't know. You're right, that doesn't mean they didn't trust her, but..." He paused to put his thoughts together. "In my experience, the people in charge tend to assign tasks to the people they think can handle them. So if someone isn't perceived as capable, if they weren't trusted as much..."

"They don't get responsibilities," Arian finished. "Yeah, it was like that with some of the crews I was with. Pain in the ass if they thought you were capable..." Arian frowned. "...and you felt like an idiot if they didn't."

That was exactly it. The feeling that you could do more, that if they just let you, you could prove yourself...feeling like everyone doubted you, even the people who were supposed to be on your side...

Maybe even your own twin sister.

"I'm starting to get the feeling that none of us did therapy right," Arian said.

That's one way to put it. "Not too late though, right?" Gideon said. He hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. "We just have to find her."

Once they did that, they could start over. If Gideon could start over, Cassandra definitely could. It wouldn't be simple, but that wasn't going to stop him from trying. Trying was the most important thing. Even if they slipped up sometimes...

No one can fault us for trying.