Maya - a Naruto Fanfic

59. Can't Fight The Pressure

From that point on, my days are spent training with Asuma and his squad, so by the time I drag myself into the bathhouse at the end of the week, I'm practically dead on my feet.

"Man, Maya, you look like death." One of the men working there comments, and I shudder.

"Asuma's been running me ragged." I groan, rolling my neck to try to work out some of the kinks. Apparently the others have been training since they were kids; did they feel the way I do now, then?

"Training's hard, I certainly wasn't cut out for it. That's why I work here." He shrugs and continues scrubbing at the bath.

"Maya, the cubbyholes need to be filled with towels." Kaoru reminds me, thrusting that dreadful basket into my arms and sending me off to work with a slap to the back.

I spend the next hour before opening rolling and tucking away fresh towels into the regular users cubbyholes, Amaterasu behind me sorting and resorting the bath tokens.

"It's been a while since I last saw you, Ama," I say, "how've you been?" There's that familiar smack of her gums before she answers.

"I've been... Well... Kaoru says... You almost... Died." She rasps, hands never stopping.

"I did die, for a bit, but I came back again." I correct her simply, mind only half focused on our conversation.

Smack.

"That's... The way... Of the shinobi."

"I'm not a shinobi, Ama." I smile indulgently, looking over to her. As I do, her gaze shifts up to me and her hands still, possibly for the first time since I've met her. She rests them on the counter and looks me up and down, from the bandages on my shoulder to the blisters on my feet. I'm frozen, a half rolled town gripping tightly in my hands. Then she smacks her gums and picks up the tokens again, and the spell is broken.

"Give it... Time."

I don't have the heart to tell her that, no matter how much I train, I'll never be a shinobi. This isn't my town, these aren't my people, this isn't my world. I could stay here for years, and I still wouldn't really be part of it.

"This isn't where I belong." It comes out almost on its own. I can only hope Ama didn't hear.

Smack.

Hope: crushed.

"Because you're... Fighting it." Is the insight she gives me, and I huff. That's what my mum told me the whole time I was trying to revise for SATS.

"This isn't my home, Ama." I tell her.

Smack.

"Home is... Something... We create... For our... Selves." Ama murmurs.

"Home is where my mum is." I say it as patiently as I can, and it's like a dam breaking.

"Ama-" my voice cracks, "tell Kaoru my- my injuries play-ing up and I n-need to go t-to the hospital." I manage to force the words out against my tight throat. I don't wait for Ama's response, I'm too busy just getting the hell out of there.

No one tries to stop me. I can't tell if it's the look on my face or the shine of tears in my eyes but I walk out of the door uncontested. I walk as quickly as I can down the street, and before I know it I'm running, feet pounding on the packed-dirt path, chest heaving, eyes burning. I need to get out of here.

I need to get out of here.

I need to get out of here.

I break through the trees at the monument, and it takes a moment for me to register that the clearing is empty. I'm alone.

I suck in a deep breath, and break down. My knees give out and I collapse in a heap, sobbing so hard it feels like my ribs could break.

"I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home!" I rock back and forth on my knees, almost screaming, until I press my forehead into the dirt and I really do scream, over and over and over until there's no breath left.

"Mum... Mummy..." I whimper, arms wrapped so tight around me I'm gripping my own shoulders.

"When Kaoru told me you had run off, I should have known to expect this." A hard voice calls from behind me, and I tense. Kasumi.

"I'm sorry, I-" I scrub hard at my eyes and try to get my breathing under control.

"Don't get up. Work isn't what you need right now, and I don't need you working when you're like this. This moment is long overdue." I hear footsteps then a presence settling beside me.

"I'm pretty sure the whole village could hear you screaming. It took a lot of effort on my part to keep people away. You might want to go farther next time." Her advice isn't needed.

"There won't be a next time." I tell her, face still pressed into the dirt. Maybe if I stay like this long enough, a big hole will open up and take me back home.

"There will. And a time after that, and a time after that. Life doesn't stop hitting us with bad things, and it doesn't pull punches, and every time something bad happens, we need to let the feelings it causes out. If we don't, they'll tear us apart." I always took her for the 'repress it until it goes away' type.

"Why are you telling me this?" I grumble. I'm not really in the mood for sage advice.

"I'm not a shinobi."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Yes it does."

"That doesn't make any sense!" I yell, snapping upright, brow furrowed. Kasumi isn't even looking at me, her impassive gaze instead focused on the monument in front of us.

"Shinobi do things differently. Your friends, the people you're living with, they're all shinobi. You and I aren't. We can't do things the way they do, because they have to, and we don't. That's why we're not shinobi."

"Speak for yourself."

"Could you kill someone?" She asks suddenly.

"No."

"That's why you're not a shinobi. Could you leave someone behind, for the sake of a mission?"

"No."

"That's why you're not a shinobi. Can you withstand torture?"

"Definitely not."

"That's why you're not a shinobi. Could you dedicate your mind, soul, body and life to a single person, or cause?"

"I don't think so."

"That's why you're not a shinobi. That's why Kaoru isn't a shinobi, and it's why I'm not a shinobi. We do things differently. Some might say we're weak for that, but we're strong in different ways."

"Like how?"

"You'll see for yourself soon enough. For now, go back home, get some sleep. Then get Asuma to give you a day off and come to the bathhouse." Kasumi tells me as she stands, dusting herself off and turning on her heel to walk slowly away. She doesn't even wait to hear if I say yes.

A/N: I can't feel my arms! Exercise is a lie! One day Maya will catch a break, but today is not that day.
Ta-ta~