God's love

Believe

As a person who struggle in her faith, I am proud of where I am now. Not because I walked the road bravely but because no matter how many times I strayed away, God brought me back. And here I am now.

I am not proud of the decision I've made nor of my cowardice in choosing to be on the safe side. But today, I am thirsty of God. I need clarity Lord and I need Your confirmation if what I'm doing now is really according to Your will. As of now, I am not sure of anything. I am scared.

I'm scared of failing the board exams. I'm scared because what if this isn't what God wants me to pursue and that what if in the middle of the road or in the end, I fail? But then, did God ever forsake me? I have come to realize that if God didn't want this for me in the first place, He would've stopped me from the very beginning. I know I'm confused because as one of my friends was so intent on improving the career we could have in this track, I wasn't. I just kept going and thought to myself that I did all the work or if I would just do my best, I could surpass this. Surely, it wasn't just me. Just earlier today, my mom and I talked about how she wanted me to take up a different field and I passed the scholarship and all but I ended up choosing this road despite my lack of idea about what this career is all about. Hence, I also wanted to take up civil engineering but things didn't work out well for me. Then one day, without much thinking I enrolled myself on this course. I still remember going to the prayer room and asking God through Mama Mary if this was really for me, and that I was scared of the unfamiliar things that awaits me. But look at me now, maybe I'm where God wanted me to be all along. That I would grow through this because He brought me to this. I may walk differently from other people but I sure know God was walking with me all along. For a lot of times, I felt Him but there were times I didn't. Yet, his love was enough to suffice for the both of us.

A while ago, I watched a clip from YouTube about my calling. How it should be something I like to do, benefits other people and is something I'm good at because others recommend it to me. At first, what came to my mind was writing but seeing that it hasn't made any impact yet, I feel like its just a hobby for now. But at the same time, I'm also at fault since no one knows about my works. I guess I've been so private because a lot of people are better than me. However, what also came to my mind was my compassion. I've offered solace and comfort so far and some of my friends asked me for it too. Hopefully, I was good at it since they felt better after the pep talk. maybe the Holy Spirit uses me to touch lives. And I'm also sorry Lord for I almost beg to differ about my gifts. They are given to me and yet I'm so ungrateful. I'm sorry Holy Spirit. But maybe those gifts will come to shine through more or they already have and I just didn't realize it yet.

.. and that's it. A mix of wisdom and gentleness is compassion. My gifts wisdom and compassion have been known back when I was in third year when our teacher asked us to pray earnestly and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal His gifts for us. I then asked myself if it was really true or if it is even possible to know such things through randomly picking papers with values and words from the bible written in them. Back then, I think it was kind of odd and stupid to rely on luck to know the truth. But maybe God reveals Himself to us in ways we never expect to and even on these moments, He changes us. I asked the Holy Spirit that if this was really real, I would want my gift to be wisdom. And when I picked the papers, I picked them without thinking much but I also almost changed it. When I looked at it, seeing the words WISDOM & GENTLENESS surprised me. I never expected God to actually listen to what I dared Him to. And when this activity in class was finished, one of my classmates asked if what wisdom meant. Our teacher answered her and I was amazed how I saw myself in the words she described wisdom to be. 

Compassion. A heart for people. I hope I use it well Lord. That's all for now. We can sleep without  a heavy heart knowing God is with us. He will let Me pass the board exams with high grades. I continue to claim this in Jesus' Name. Amen.