God's love

pick me up

As I transitioned from 20 to 21, everything happened so fast Lord and I have felt so many things at such a short period of time. Maybe I deserve all these heartache and being left behind. Maybe I deserve to not be chosen after risking all the fears. Maybe I don't deserve any happiness after hoping so much for that person to be the one. I hate how I got so played and I hate myself too for being so into the relationship that did not even exist. Right now, there's this hollow feeling in my chest like I'm stuck between wanting to cry and admit that I'm suffering but also I feel like I have no right to feel the pain because I only got hurt because I assumed that there was so much more to us. My pride won't let me admit it before but in this situation Lord, I know I was fooled because I invested too much and became so hopeful. I thought that was really it and that You were giving it to me. I should've believed my intuitions when it screamed that I'm being too blind. I should have listened to all You said instead of turning a blind eye. It was one of the few times someone reached the standard I put and it's funny how he even surpassed it. I feel really humiliated right now as I remember how desperate I must've been. It's been years though when I last invested this much and it's really embarrassing how I was so honest. Upon hearing the sentence "I have deep feelings for someone", it felt like a slap in the face and I woke up realizing what have I been doing all this time? It suddenly felt so wrong and I felt like a third party in my own life story. Maybe I wasn't enough to be chosen. Maybe I was far too less in comparison to this person. I couldn't bear to be okay, I just wanted to be comforted and loved. No one gave me that. People always made me feel bad about wanting attention and validation and I hate how I adjusted to their opinion. In 21 years, I've dealt with so much and none of them know what I've been through and yet they find it easy to tell me what I should feel when they only walked in on the now and they won't even stay for long.

How do I deal with this Lord? I know someday I'll be okay. But now, how do I cope when I can't even recognize what I feel and what I need. Do I need to forgiveness for him and for myself? Or do I first need to learn what do I even feel right now? I don't regret what I did but I hate myself for being so vulnerable. How can I risk so much and believe that things would work out? All the signs were there that it was okay and that I could be myself here. This could be my safe place. Yet again, the universe is trying to destroy the kind part of me and wants me to be so hard to people and myself again. Lord, I'm very tired. Could You come pick me up now?