Call me kitten (boyxboy love) ✓

4. To want or not to want

When I got home, I threw all my clothes in the washer and went straight to bed. I drew the cover above my head, drowning out all outside impressions until all that was left was the sound of my own breathing. Shallow, fast breaths. I felt like my body was trapped in a vice, the pressure on my chest was massive and I clenched my teeth to fight the anxiety attack that I knew was mounting. Why the hell had I done this? I had decided not to care about Ash, that what I felt was just pure envy of the guy and nothing else. How could I lose my head this completely?

I hadn't been sober. I didn't get drunk that often but those few times that I had, my sister had been quick to tell me that I was so much more fun then, that I finally let loose and didn't sit there all quiet and brooding. In my head that translated into me being reckless when drunk. And I had been just that now. So fucking reckless. That I had fallen so easily for Ash's invites was just pissing me off. He should have picked up that I wasn't really interested. Right?

Eager. He had called me eager. Damnit. The worst part was that it was true, I didn't just stand there not doing anything, I had practically thrown myself at him. And the reason for it was that I had been drunk and it had been years since I really touched anyone, felt anyone's touch. So, it wasn't all that weird that I had acted the way I did, it wasn't his fault. He couldn't be blamed for me being starved for closeness. It had been a mistake. Pure and simple. Stuff that happens when you're drunk and not in control of yourself.

Because I wouldn't do it again. Ash was a guy first and foremost, and on top of that a co-worker and even more on top; he was totally out of my league. It would just end in trouble at work if I continued. I had to put my foot down. And fast. Tomorrow morning. The anxiety lifted somewhat when I made that decision and I exhaled.

His hand over my mouth.

Quiet now... You know where we are...

No. No, no, no. Do not think about that.

I forced myself to remember the last time I had sex with a girl, tried to imagine every little detail in my mind. But the body of the girl instantly morphed into Ash. I could feel his finger under my chin when he lifted my head up towards him and my cock started to twitch.

FUCK.

I threw the blanket off and rolled out of bed, stumbling up to my computer and switched it on. With a click I opened the first game that popped up and sat down. The mindless killing of alien enemies soon drowned out all thoughts in my head and I was stuck.

I didn't get one minute of sleep that night. I had stayed up playing and that showed when I looked myself in the mirror the next morning. My head was throbbing due to my stupid hangover and dark shadows had formed under my eyes. I pressed down the baseball cap as far as I could over my eyes and took a breath. Today I would march straight up to Ash and end this thing with him. Whatever this thing was. I would demand that he stopped doing what he did. That I didn't want anything to do with him. He was free to react in any way he wanted to, get mad or whatever. I would not care. The only thing I was sure about was that I didn't need this kind of complication in my life. He disturbed my status quo, and I didn't like it. I wanted peace and quiet.

I had worked up my courage all the way to the cafeteria and felt unusually sure of myself when I entered. I noticed Ash at the far end of the room where he was watering some plants in the window. I walked straight up to him and didn't return his smile when I arrived.

"So, here it is," I said and looked him straight in the eye. "Yesterday was a mistake. I was drunk and made a fool out of myself, that's all. If I gave the wrong impression, I'm sorry about that, but I'm not interested. So, I want you to forget about yesterday. We'll bump into each other here in the cafeteria, maybe say hi but nothing else. Okay?"