Call me kitten (boyxboy love) ✓

14. I'm fine

When I got home, I threw myself on the bed, not bothering to take off my clothes, and pressed the pillow over my face. This situation was exactly what I always wanted to avoid getting myself into. This right here, the feelings of uncertainty and discomfort. The feeling of not knowing what a person thought about me. This was the very reason that I had given up searching for a date or partner or anything that involved feelings. The bad things always outnumbered the good ones every time. I always ended up sitting there feeling useless.

But I couldn't blame Ash for this. He had made it perfectly clear that he liked having sex with me, not much else. He hadn't expressed any deeper thoughts than that and neither had I, so why the hell was I going on like this? I had never been jealous before, I had never exposed myself so much that I risked becoming jealous, so I didn't even know if this really was jealousy. The only thing I was sure about was that the feeling I got when I had seen that guy flirt with Ash, the way Ash had smiled at him, was by far the worst damn thing I had experienced in a long time. Rejection. Thrown aside for something better. Someone better.

I turned to my side and pressed the pillow to my stomach instead. The guy had been in the same league as Ash. Handsome, tall, and self-confident. And fifteen notches down there was me. A loner with social anxiety, low self-esteem and a huge tendency for over-thinking. I could never measure up to that guy no matter how hard I tried. There was nothing I could say if Ash wanted him.

The fantasies formed in my head, and I couldn't stop them. Maybe Ash had received that guy's number and called him, just because he was by himself for the night. And the guy would have said yes and gone to him, and they wouldn't even make it to the bedroom before they jumped each other and Ash would think it was so much better with someone more experienced and...

Fuck. Fuck, FUCK.

I had no right being jealous. No right whatsoever. We were nothing but fuck buddies. And not even that was agreed upon. It had just happened. I just needed to be clear to Ash that I didn't like him being with others, and that was why it would be better if we stopped seeing each other. That way I would at least not have to feel that my insides turned to ice. Why did I even feel that way? Did I have feelings for Ash, more than just pure physical ones? Apparently. And that wasn't a good thing. Not at all.

When I woke up, I was groggy and miserable. My clothes were wrinkly, and the sheet was down on the floor. My phone lay silent on the nightstand with no notifications present on the screen when I picked it up. Nothing from Ash. I put it down again, screen down and pulled off my jeans and t-shirt, at the same time realizing that this wasn't my t-shirt to begin with. I needed to return it as fast as possible. I put all the clothes in the washer and dressed in my worn gray sweats and went to make coffee. As I waited for the coffee the phone buzzed. It was a message from Ash and my stomach knotted.

"How're you feeling today? Got any sleep?"

My fingers hovered over the screen. I couldn't exactly write that I felt like death because I had spent the night imagining him with another guy. And I didn't want to sound clingy either. This had to be as neutral as possible.

"I'm fine. Slept well."

The second I pressed send I regretted it. Fuck, I sounded like a damn robot. But now it was too late, and it would just look desperate if I sent some stupid smiley now. I jumped as the phone started buzzing again. This wasn't a text; he was calling me. I squeezed my eyes shut and picked up.

"That answer was way too short," I heard Ash greet and I could hear the smile in his voice. "You really have to do better than that. So let's try again, how're you feeling today?"

He could see through me just by looking at my writing.

"I promise, I'm fine. I'm just exhausted after the party, you know," I lied.