unidentified | billie eilish fanfiction

FOURTEEN: suffer in silence

violet

"when am i going to meet your meat?" aaliyah asked as she folded her new findings to put up for sale.

"it didn't work out." my heart did a weird skip.

"what did you do?"

"why'd you just assume it was me that fucked shit up?" i frowned and raised my voice a little.

"because i know how stupid you can be." she answered. "now answer the the question. how'd you fuck shit up?"

"i ghosted her." my voice lowed a little because of shame. it's been a while since i've met shame, it's presence isn't good.

"now why the fuck would you do that?" aaliyah immediately left whatever was in her hands and walked over to me. "she was really good for you v, what happend?" she voice, instead of getting louder, got softer.

i contemplated on wether i should tell her the truth or just give her a cold lie. i'm not used to trusting someone with thoughts, it's so new to me. "i'm scared i'll hurt her liyah okay? i'm so messed up, i don't think i'm up for a relationship. she's so... special, she's not like the girls i randomly hook up with, she's- she's... fuck! i care about her, it's for her own good."

aaliyah just stood there, leaning onto the counter top, looking for the right words. "you're stupid you know that? if you really cared about her you wouldn't just let her go. that doesn't make sense."

"it does, you haven't known me for long. aaliyah, i promise you it does make sense. i'm like this ticking bomb that could explode at any given time, i'm too messed up in the head to have someone that wants to know every detail about me. if i don't stop what we have now she's going to run away from me, so it wouldn't matter anyways." i slightly shook my head as i talked.

"i would've never imagined violet wilson has a soft spot for for a girl she just met a few weeks ago." aaliyah smiled.

"she knows where i fucking work and where my studio is." i sighed. she loves the shop, there is no way she's not coming here again.

"she's been to your studio and i haven't? now that a crime. v what the fuck?" she frowned and started walking away to reunite with her pile of clothes.

"who do you think you are? my studio is for people who i trust and who are special." i simply replied.

"and your best friend isn't special and you don't trust her?" she raised a brow.

"i'll think about it."

"you're rude."

"thank you, that was my goal."

"oh, hi claudia. nice to see you again." i took the pile of clothes she picked out to ring her up. i tried sneaking a couple tools around the shop and the security cameras to see if she was here, she wasn't.

"nice to see you too." claudia said with a tone that told me she knew. i continued to do my work and her phone rang, i couldn't see who called but i could hear her talk. "i'm in the shop." she said. "yeah." she answered a question. "alright bye."

the door opened, hitting the bell above it. "i got this, you ring her up." aaliyah said to me before starting to walk away.

"it's okay, she's with me." claudia informed her. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. now i wish i had kenji's powers and could disappear into thin air.

aaliyah went back to her pile once again, claudia gave me a look and glanced behind waiting for her. my heart was racing. i can't just bolt and leave, that's cowardice, i need to face what i've done. if she wants an explanation then that's what she deserves. if she just going to ignore me then i deserve it.

"hi clauds." billie smiled and hugged her. "i thought you brought titus." she pouted a little.

"i wanted to but he started being all cranky, so finneas put him to bed. maybe next time." claudia answered her.

"maybe next time." billie echoed, "what'd you get?"

"i'll do a try on haul for you later. i wanted to get an outfit for the gathering rebecca is having. i want you to choose with me." she answered.

"your total is 62.62$, would you like that cash or card?" i cut their conversation off.

"card please." claudia said, taking out her card, i set that up for her and she payed. just when i thought they'd completely ignore me and go about their day billie stayed behind while claudia took her bag and left.

"what she fuck happend?" she asked, angry. i stared at her, when i was trying to find the right words, "okay, i thought you were different. i guess i was wrong." she shook her head in disbelief. "you're a shitty person you know that right?" and i nodded. she shook her head as she walked backwards, "unbelievable" she mumbled before she turned around and left.

"so that's the mystery women." aaliyah smirked. "you have good taste, let me tell you that."

"shut it before i kill you." i said, trying to keep clam.

"i like that she doesn't stand for any bullshit, good for her honestly. she's like: you don't want me? your loss honey. damn i really wanna be her friend now." she started migrating the piles of clothes from the back room to the front desk. "you have her number?"

"aaliyah. i swear if you don't cut out whatever you're doing here i'm going to quit."

"you're never going to do that, you love me and this job too much." she snorted.

"you'd be surprised how far id go for revenge."

"yeah sure."

i want to go home, i want to go home,  i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home.

i was quiet the rest of the shift, i only ever spoke whenever it was necessary. i try to mask my feelings and make people think that i don't care. but i'm only human, i have feelings and it hurts knowing i can't have feelings for anyone. i want to have that someone, but i'm too broken to find a puzzle peice that could fit.

"hey, you good?" aaliyah put her hand on my shoulder.

"mhm." i brushed her off.

"no you're not, don't lie to me.", "it's about her isn't it?"

"aly please, don't bother me right now because if you do. i might say something i'll regret, and i don't want that to happen. i love you so much but please, please. i can't do this right now." and for the first time i think aaliyah saw the emotions i've expressed to her once and she understands.

"why don't you go home early? i got this." she suggested. i didn't even respond to her i just gathered my things and took a taxi home. i unlocked her door, took off my shoes, walked over to one of the windows and curled up near it. i rested the side of my body on it and i cried, i didn't cry because of billie, but i cried because of what she reminded me of. what i couldn't have. what i can't have.

i knew this when i came to the states, i knew i wasn't supposed to catch feelings, have a significant other. not only am i not cut out for that at this moment but i also could be discovered. it's far too risky.

no matter what happens i have to promise myself that i'm not going to make that mistake. it would ruin me and it would ruin her.

i sometimes think that if i'm dead it'll be so much better. i won't have to worry about anything, i'll just be at rest, no one would care anyway. the only thing stopping me is that i refuse to give up. giving up is for losers that are too week to commit to what they've done.

i don't give up, i refuse to follow the antics of the weak. i'd rather put myself through hell alone than let anyone catch me make a mistake. i'd rather suffer in silence than let anyone in.