unidentified | billie eilish fanfiction

TWENTY - SIX: i don't deserve you

violet

"alfred! i am telling you, a man was following me the other day. he was wearing all black, black trousers, back shades, everything! he was following me for god knows how long before an angel came an informed me!" i yelled. "alfred i need you, i— i need you to get them to think i flead once again. i need you to make them think i'm in another state."

"miss wilson, i need you to understand that there is so much i can do for you. i can't—" he began to say.

"no! no! alfred, i wasn't alone when that man was following me. i had a girl with me, i had someone that i grew to love, with me, when that man was following me. you told me that father wanted me alive and unharmed but what about her!? what about her? what's going to happen to her if she's with me and she fights? she doesn't know about any of this, she's going to think that i've been kidnapped and i'm in danger." i confessed. "and i only told her i loved her that same day, i need her to be safe and i need to be safe because i need more time with her."

"violet, i am doing my best here to keep you safe. that is my priority, that is your mother's priority." he explained.

"i don't care about my safety if she is not safe!" i yelled.

"violet, don't you understand? if you just leave her, she is going to be safe." alfred said.

"i am not leaving her. i am not hurting her again, i refuse to be the villain in her story. please alfred, i am begging you, do whatever you can to make this better, do everything in you power." i pleaded.

"violet, this was never supposed to happen." he sighed. "this is what i feared would happen."

"it's the first time i have something to lose al, don't make me lose it." i sniffled.

"just keep that gun close." he sighed and hung up the phone. didn't even tell me from where he's gonna call next.

i can't breathe. my heart is racing. my body feels hot. i'm on the floor. water is on my face. i'm sweating. i'm shaking. i'm shaking like crazy. my hair is in the way. a wave of nausea hits me and i feel very dizzy. it feels like i'm forever stuck in this moment. i'm trapped. i'm in the fetal position on my floor. i feel like i'm dying.

but i'm not dying. this has happened before. it's not the end of the world. i'm just a being baby. i am not crazy. i am not crazy. this is called a panic attack. i am not weak. i refuse to let myself breakdown. i have to be strong.

i'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. it's never going to get better for me. this is as good as it gets. so i tell myself five more minutes and i'll get up, because the unstable breathing? i adapted to it. this is how bad it has become, i can live without breathing. all my symptoms became a part of me that i didn't mind a lot.

isn't it scary how fast we adapt to change? we don't necessarily know it's happening but it is.

finally after a little while i found myself on my feet, latching onto my furniture to keep me steady, but i made it to the bathroom. where i splashed my face with ice cold water, that always does the trick, then i go back to me. violet. violet taylor wilson.

☆☆☆

"you look like crap." aaliyah frowned.

"thank you for the compliment i am well aware of that." i smiled.