✓ sorry, i love you || hwang hyunjin

[29] they never loved me, did they?

Chan's POV

I couldn't believe my eyes. A shirtless Hyunjin and a blushing Nabi were inches away from each other. What had they been doing—?

Nevermind.

I don't want to know.

"Well, um, I'll leave you two be," I mumbled softly before leaving the room, closing the door behind me. If I thought I'd been heartbroken after Aera's left me, I was wrong.

This hurt so much fucking more.

The fact that the girl I loved was loved one of my best friends.

And the fact that neither of them decided to tell me.

Even when I was sure that both of them knew about it.

I found a washroom and locked myself in it and I found myself crying. Crying because I had lost both the girls that I had ever loved in my life. Crying because I was sure that none of them ever loved me back anyways. Crying because I knew that no one would give a shit if I just disappeared one day. If I just died.

Seconds flew into minutes and I wasn't sure how long I sat on the washroom floor, silent sobbing to myself. I felt numb; emotionless. I heard a knock on the door.

I heard a knock on the door. "Come in," I answered quietly, my voice hoarse.

"The door is locked from the inside, Channie," a soft voice responded, and my heart broke when I remembered who it belonged to. Nabi.

I heaved myself off the ground and glanced at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy, and my face was bloated. Whatever. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Outside, I found Nabi standing in a sweater and sweatpants, looking small the way she stood.

"Can I—?" She began, and I nodded, walking further into the washroom and collapsing back where I was sitting and crying earlier. Nabi closed the door behind her and sat next to me, leaving a little bit of room between us.

It struck me that maybe I wasn't the only one that was hurting. "Channie, I—"

"Please stop it with the nicknames," I whispered, knowing I was going to cry again. "Please." My voice cracked.

Nabi seemed to shrink, and I saw tears glistening on her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I didn't think it would hurt you, I didn't know you even—"

"How much more obvious should I have made it, Nabi?" I thundered back. "I flirted with you, I kissed you, I was going to tell you about my feelings. Was it not obvious or are you just dense?"

Nabi shrunk with every word, and suddenly, I felt bad for saying what I had said. Still, I wasn't in the wrong... right?

I waited for her to say something, but when she didn't, I continued (talking mostly to myself), "I thought you liked me back, y'know? I thought you loved me back. But I thought wrong." My voice was extremely quiet as I continued, "I was wrong about you like I was about Aera."

To my utter surprise, Nabi looked up at me curiously. "A— Aera? Who's she?"

I laughed emotionlessly. "Choi Aera. The first girl I loved. The girl who left me behind and never bothered to come back to look for me." I found myself crying again at the memories of Aera. I remembered our last day together, the way we just clicked, the way—

"I have to go," Nabi hurriedly stood up, and I could have sworn she was crying.

Sure, I was mad at her, but I didn't want her to leave me. "What— why?" I reached my hand out and briefly touched her shoulder, but she shrugged my hand off.

Ouch.

"You're sleeping in the living room with most of the other boys," she said, her voice quivering ever so slightly. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I bet Hyunjin isn't sleeping in the living room, I found myself thinking but was immediately repulsed when I realized what was going through my head. I sounded disgusting.

Before I could respond to Nabi, she left the washroom, leaving me alone in my misery once again. 

~~~

A/N: I am on a ROLL, y'all! Maybe if I speed write I can get another (few) chapters in soon. How do you feel about this new development? I am going to warn you that our book is nearing it's ending, and that means it's going to get darker. This is a warning that if you choose to read from here, there may be triggers such as self-harm, suicide, depression, stalking, and other things (more than there have been so far). 

Apart from that, enjoy! 

P.S: It's gonna take an emotional toll on you like it did on me 😭