✓ sorry, i love you || hwang hyunjin

[36] dear nabi, from chan

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide

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Dear Nabi,

I'm sorry. For everything. But mostly for leaving. 

After Aera "left", I thought I'd never fall in love again. I thought I was proven wrong when I met you, and I honestly thought I fell in love with you at first sight. It felt like meeting Aera all over again. And I thought that, maybe, you like me, too. 

I was wrong. 

And I think that's when my heart splintered further. The first time I decided to love after a broken heart, it only broke again. I told myself it was only a rejection. I mean, who wouldn't choose THE Hwang Hyunjin over me? I was broken, fractured. 

I was fine. I even decided to go apologize to you for making you uncomfortable. I realized that I had been irrational when I spilled all my life problems on you after you rejected me. I went to your room, the room you're probably reading this in, to find you. 

I couldn't find you. 

I couldn't find Hyunjin, either, and I had a bad feeling that something bad was happening to one of you. I pushed it aside, thinking that you probably went for a walk, and that Hyunjin was probably finally confessing. 

I know that at this point, I should have left your room... but I didn't. 

I'm sorry. 

I was about to leave, I swear, but I saw this silver box near your nightstand, and something clicked in my head. It was so familiar to the one that Aera used to keep in her room; something she said that she used to store her letters. 

Letters including the ones I wrote to her. 

Letters including the ones you wrote to her, apparently. 

Because apparently, you were her best friend. 

I have to admit, I felt a bit betrayed when I realized that you must have found out that I was the 'mystery boy' that Aera talked about and you never told me. But that feeling was nothing compared to when I read your letters to her from the past year. 

The year that had passed since I thought that Aera left me. 

When in reality, it was the year that has passed since she died. 

If I thought my heart was broken before, I was wrong, because right now, I can feel it shattering. I can feel it shattering as I write these words on this paper. 

And maybe it's thanks to the now-broken pieces that I'll get to move on. That I'll get to leave this hellhole and find peace wherever we go after we die. Maybe there, I can find Aera. 

I know no one will miss me, except maybe you and the boys. My mom is dead, and my dad wouldn't notice I was dead until... well, probably never. 

I'm sorry. 

I truly am sorry, but not for killing myself. 

I'm sorry for making you or Hyunjin or anyone else feel guilty, because no matter whatever you're telling yourself right now, it's not your fault. 

Please don't cry over me because this was my choice. Don't breakup with Hyunjin or do something stupid because you feel guilty. Because even if I had never met you, and even if you had never rejected me, I still would have ended up ending my life to get out of this hellhole. It really didn't depend on you or Hyunjin or Aera. Sure, it started off with Aera, but after that, it's my fault for not seeking help. 

And it's too late now. 

I've made up my mind. 

Please don't try to stop me if you read this before I go. But if you read this after... honestly, don't cry, or the devil will make up some shit like "you hurt someone in your past life so go to hell", and I need to go to heaven to see Aera. 

So please don't cry or mope or whatever, because I know you will, because even though you didn't love me the way I loved you, you still loved me like a friend, and now that I'm putting this letter together, I guess that's enough. 

I'll see Aera soon enough, anyways. 

Goodbye, Bae Nabi.

I'll see you in heaven (which hopefully won't be for a long time). 

Yours truly,

Bang Christopher Chan
Your old best friend's boyfriend
And your new best friends' best friend

P.S. My phone password is 0325; it's yours now that I don't need it. I'd rather you have it than anyone else, so keep it safe (make sure to click "send" on all the drafted texts please). And tell the boys I love them. Especially Felix. Tell him that I'll always be with him, with all of you. I love you all. 

Goodbye <3

~~~

A/N: Okay, I'm crying. That was so hard to write. I'm going to scream bro I can't believe we're at this point already—

The story is SO close to an end and idk how to feel about it y'all I loved writing this. And idk how to feel about Chan 😭 JK I feel terrible and I'm crying and HNFJDEMNJOSKDMNFJJ.

Okay, I'll shut up. 

Bye.

(😭)