What if?- A Mockingjay Story

Chapter 27

What if?
What if she isn't hurt? What if she doesn't care? What if she doesn't understand that I still need to sort my feeling out? What if she doesn't get that I'm in a place in my mind where there is just dead ends? What if she doesn't even care though?
What if? What if? What if....
---

Why can't I just quit it already? I've been sitting at my desk with the window before me for the past 4 hours in my office room. I haven't been doing anything, but watching her house. I still can't get my mind around why she cut her hair.... I can't get my mind around anything to be honest. It just confuses me and for some apparent reason it's the only thing I've been thinking about for the past hour. How she no longer wears her braid, it's just odd to me. I hate to admit that I miss her so much now that I'm not even that angry any more. I just want to hear her sweet voice again and feel that rush of adrenaline when her lips touch mine, that sweet sensation that leaves a tingling feeling scarred on my lips. I just want to hold her small fragile frame in my arms and forget all the bad we have been granted in the past few months. I want to be able to move past this, but still a part of me questions if she even cares any more. I hear the door open downstairs, but don't budge. I know it's either Haymitch or Effie. I hear the trudging up the stairs and moments later Haymitch enters the room. He sits on the small green couch across the room and looks at me. I glance back at him to acknowledge his presence before turning back to the window. For a minute the silence continues until Haymitch says behind me

"Have you backed down yet?"

I say softly, my voice emotionless

"Why would I?"

He sniggers a little and says

"Because your desperate and because you may have possibly seen her reason for this... but obviously you didn't so... Yeah the desperate thing"

I turn to him now, fold my arms across my body and ask

"What reason?"

He sighs and says to me

"Well there's no exact reason... You just have to think hard on why she would not tell you and why it bothers you so much"

I reply getting heated up now

"Because she kept it from me!!! I was being honest with her and she lied!!!"

Haymitch doesn't get angry in response to my outburst, but answers calmly

"Okay... Now why do you think she did it?"

I look at him, my eyebrows raised before questioning

"Something tells me you could answer that question.."

He inhales deeply, then letting out a large sigh before saying

"I don't know anything for sure...well I do but..... I also have theories"

I say to him

"Go on then"

He continues

"Don't take this the wrong way but.... she most likely is still scared of you in some ways.... hijacked you. And Sophie.. means the world to her. If you had just seen her with Sophie more you could see.... she was like a mother.... Very annoying and over protective. And maybe she just feared that you may do something to hurt her. And another thing would be based on what she said before..."

I lean forward anxious yet quiet

"What did she say?"

He says

"Just before Christmas, when I invited her for dinner she said she couldn't if you were there because of Sophie. I asked her why not just tell you. She said that if she tells you everything you'll only want to protect her and that she was afraid...."

I ask him confused

"Of what?"

He says plain and simple

"Of you getting hurt"

Then it connects. All the lose cables, all the pieces. She was scared of allowing me to protect her after the arena, the hijacking..... everything. It all connects. She wasn't trying to keep the truth out of lack of trust, she was keeping it out of fear of me being injured. She cares, She really cares. Haymitch says

"You now just need to make up your mind.... On your feelings... Because she will eventually let you go if you don't grab on.... You need to decide where you're going and what you feel"

He stands up and pats me on the back

"Good Luck"

I say before he walks out

"Thanks Haymitch"

He gives a thumbs up before walking out, a few minutes later shutting the front door. She cares she always has.... She cares

---

I am sitting in my art room, the rain hitting the glass pane and a easel holding a blank canvas before me. I hold a paintbrush in hand, a tray of paint on the small table beside me. I begin to paint her, guide my brush swiftly across the smooth canvas as it leaves it's trail of colour behind. I begin to construct her facial features, imagining them in my head.

Her eyes, the grey misty iris that are a magical sight.

Her smile, the bright teeth that when revealed light up the room.

Her hair, the now short strands of both blond and hazel hair that shine in sunlight.

Her presence, those moments with her where every second is a blessing, an experience and a moment of happiness.

Her.

My beautiful Katniss.

The girl with the two braids, with the fire of rebel and the heart of the world. The girl who put her life at risk to free everyone in Panem. The one who made my hell a day where I could still allow a smile to break out. The girl who saved me, who lost me and fought for me back. The girl who was broken yet picked herself up. Katniss Everdeen....

Victor

Tribute

Fiancé

Leader

Girl..

Katniss.... My girl.. My love....

And I feel that feeling for the first time since before the hijacking... That overwhelming feeling of love and realisation and all the memories play in my memory. For the first time I see images that the hijacking took as the fog lifts in my mind and the truth is revealed. I do, I love her. I can admit it for real...

I love her.

I love Katniss Everdeen...