NEVER IN A FOREVER (Manan)

30

Nandini

I ran out until I was out of the warehouse. There was no one and it felt alone. But that didn’t comfort me enough. I need darkness, I need pain, I need something to put my mind off the things that are happening from morning.

I frantically searched for my purse but then I remembered I didn’t carry my anti-depressants, hell I think they weren’t even unpacked from my suitcases. Fuck.

I couldn’t breathe, I needed something. I need to breathe or I may pass out. I fisted my hands tightly trying to hurt myself but that was of no chance.

Then I remembered I had my pocket knife in my kurti pocket. I used it to cut the plaster for the two boxes while packing at murthy mansion and my instincts told me to carry it with me. And I threw the plaster away and kept the pocket knife in my pocket.

My hands started to shiver that I can’t even put my hands in my pocket as tears started streaming down my cheeks. God I’m having a panic attack. No, not now please.

Stop crying Nandini, you can’t fucking fall weak. Calm the fuck down. After a few attempts, I grabbed my pocket knife and opened it. I breathed out as I looked at the sharp thing in my hand and kept it on my wrist.

I kept a little pressure on it as it began to hurt my skin lightly and made a light cut and I could feel myself feeling a little bit light when someone grabbed my arms pulled me hard and my knife slipped from my hands due to force.

I stumbled on my own feet before steadying myself and  managing to look at the person with blurry vision as I wasn’t still calm and my breaths were raging.

My husband. My breath hitched as I looked at Manik who had his jaw set tight, his eyes red with anger, his hair's messed, his knuckles were filled with blood and his button down shirt crumpled.

He looked like a mess in total and I’d have drooled till the end of the world if I wasn’t having a panic attack right now.

Panic shot through me at his anger and his grip on me as I felt him close. I started to feel suffocating again as my friends and brother surrounded us and I tried to pull myself away from Manik.

I wriggled in his hold as tears were spilling down continuously and my breaths were heavy. I could feel my heart getting constricted and my head hurting.

It was too much to take in.

“Leave me” I hiccupped in between my sobs as I shook my head continuously.

“Guys leave” Manik murmured but he was still angry, I could tell that even with my closed eyes. I shut my eyes tightly as I felt him looking down at my wrist.

SHame Nandini. You can’t do anything perfectly. You can’t choose the correct guy, you can’t choose a good profession, you can’t even keep your husband and in-laws happy.

It wasn’t even 24 hours that you got married and you made your husband’s life upside down with your tsunami type life. Mom and dad were right. I’m good for nothing.

“Nandini look at me” He mumbled and I shook my head. Seeing disappointment in his eyes is the last thing that would make me want to cut my wrist deeper.

The little pain that flew with the cut came back as I realised I spoiled Manik’s whole day, my parents day and my friends and brother’s too. God I’m a curse. I just hurt people.

I felt his hand slipping down from my arm to my waist slowly.

“Please Nandini, just open your eyes and let me in” Manik’s voice was firm and soft at the same time.

With a sudden pull, he closed the gap between us with his hands on my waist and mine on his chest. My eyes widened at our position but his eyes were sending chills.

“It’s okay, calm down. Breath. He can’t do anything” Manik’s voice turned completely softer than the way he was shouting at Madhyam.

I wrapped my hands around his waist and hugged him tightly as I started to cry again. I cried openly for the first time ever in my life.

He kept his hand on my back and another on my head and started patting my head softly.

"Ma.. Manik.." I sobbed in his chest as he held me tighter like a baby in his arms carefully. He rubbed my back guiding me to breath and waited patiently for me to stop crying.

"It's okay. Calm down. You are not at fault. It wasn't your mistake. I'm here. You are not alone. I'm here for you. You don't need to fight anymore. Just calm down love" he kept saying words like that.

It made me wonder how he is handling my panic attacks with such an ease. As if, as if he has already handled a few like this. I don't know who's attacks he handled.

At a moment, I could barely breathe when he started peppering kisses on my head and temple to divert me.

It took me more than half an hour to calm down from Madhyam's shit.

I couldn't cry anymore. I was exhausted to that extent.

"Fine now?" He asked slowly and I nodded my head quietly. I don't want him to leave me yet.

Somehow, even when he was angry, his presence felt safe and assuring. Like a warm duvet on a winter night. Like nothing could harm me when he is around me.

He might be a monster and has shit ton of anger, but I'm sure he won't hurt me.

He tried to break the hug and I instantly tightened my good on him.

"Just for a few more minutes please" I murmured softly as he wiped my tears with his one hand, the other one still on my back.

He wrapped his both hands around me again, locking me in his embrace.

"Thank you" I whispered slowly.

"Wait, you just tried to suicided" he broke the hug instantly and I widened my eyes. Fuck.