The Perfect House

Chapter 40: Flori's anguish

The new academic year commenced. Florian was now working and training full-time at the Calmont University Hospital. Harold was still at the uni but was also doing practical work with architectural firms. Preston continued at the law practice - it was going well. To the amazement of everybody, he and Selma had started going out together on a regular basis.

Florian remained distant, confused and angry. He was going home every weekend and while there, he went back to dressing in his old male clothes, but mostly stayed in his bedroom anyway. At the uni house, he felt awkward and self-conscious. It was as though he couldn't let go of Florina, so he started dressing and doing his hair in a sort of in-between fashion and that felt a bit more comfortable. Still, he tended to minimise his contact with others, even Mrs Stein, because that didn't seem the same either.

As the weeks became months, Florian was feeling increasingly unhappy. He knew he was missing Macy terribly and there was something else - he realised that he was also missing Florina.

This can't go on, he told himself, you have to think it through. You can't just keep kidding yourself that everybody else is to blame for that night. That's bullshit. Think about it. Macy didn't force you to go to that nightclub. She didn't even talk you into it. You just said, 'Yes, let's try it.' Why?

And why did you continue to be Florina for the whole of that last semester when the need had passed?

He had a strong suspicion that he already knew the answer to that last question - he didn't want Florina to go away.

And he also knew that he had to stop unfairly blaming Macy. He had to recognise that he was responsible for everything that had happened to him on that night.

Why? Why the hell had he done that?

Oh, shit, come on, it was deliberate, wasn't it? You wanted to find out if you were gay, that's why you did it. You've spent three years dressing up as Florina, acting like a girl, and don't delude yourself, you came to enjoy it pretty quickly.

And you did find out about your sexual orientation, didn't you? For fuck's sake, be a bit more mature; it wasn't all that bad, but do you want to do it again? No, definitely not. So that means you're not sexually attracted to men. Okay, you're not gay, but what are you?

You're a bloody fool that's what you are. Come on, stop moping about and start thinking how to sort things out. On the weekend, drive out and see Macy; it's not much more than a two-hour drive. But . . . but, what if she has moved on, got herself a new girlfriend, maybe even living with her? You could hardly blame her, could you? Shit, what a mess.

What'll I do? What'll I do?