SOLOMON

CHAPTER 16

SOLOMON

I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I couldn't be near her. I couldn't look at her face. I couldn't even think about her without feeling disgusted with myself. 

Rain began to beat down on me, but I didn't care. I was in rage. I push myself to run. My legs were burning and my paws were hurting, but I didn't care. I kept going. As I ran I ended up shifting back into my human form, I was in such an adrenaline that I didn't stop at all. My chest was rising and falling so fast. My heart felt like it was breaking the inside of my chest by how hard it was beating. 

I stopped at the lake. Me and Ayla's special place. I fell on my knees. I opened my mouth and released a hard and loud scream. My throat was stinging from how hard I was screaming, but I didn't care. Everything was hurting. Inside and out. 

I was disgusted with myself. I was horrified at the things that I had done. My demons. My sins. They have haunted me to this day. The wrongs I've done upon Ayla are unforgivable. But my sins aren't what's exactly unforgivable, it's that Ayla, my mate, my love, she suffered it. My child suffered. Ayla and Milo paid the cost of my sins. They were the ones that endured five years of suffering. And I didn't even know. 

But knowing exactly what they went through, it ripped me from the inside out. My heart literally hurt for them and...I loathe myself for it. I hate myself. I look back to what I was like, and I couldn't believe I was that person. I was so low. I was so...selfish. I didn't think of Ayla at all. I didn't think of my child. I thought of what I was feeling and what I was going through...nothing more. and I hate myself for it. If I had just thought of her. Thought about what she was going through, what she was feeling...maybe she wouldn't have been tortured and abused my Kendrick for all those years. 

My wolf was attacking me from the inside. He hated me. I hurt our mate. Our treasured mate. I made HER SUFFER. I made Milo hurt. 

My whole being was consumed with guilt and regret. 

"What's wrong with you Solomon!" I shouted at myself. As I was on my knees I leaned forward and rested my knuckles on the stony ground and breathed heavily. 

"Solomon."

My head whipped around and I saw Xander standing there wet in the rain.

"Go Away, Xander. Leave me." I growled.

He took a step forward, "I know what you're feeling."

That just made me even angrier. He doesn't know what I was feeling. He doesn't know anything! No one does!

He took another step forward, "I know your wrong deeds seem unforgivable, but they are forgivable. She needs time to-"

I stood up straight, breathing heavily and I cut him right off, "I AM UNFORGIVABlE XANDER!" I yelled loudly.

He was quiet as he stood there watching me. 

I pointed at myself hard, "I AM A MONSTER!"

"I didn't treat Izzy right either. I was horrible to her. But she still loved me inside."

I shook my head, "You don't get it, Xander. You only mistreated her a little. I purposely made it my goal to hurt, Ayla. To break her down because for some fucked up reason, I hated her. I wanted her to suffer. You still loved Lizzy when you hurt her. I didn't. I felt nothing for Ayla, that's why it was so easy for me to hurt her."

I walked right up to Xander and we stood almost nose to nose as I snarled with self-hatred, "I am a disgrace. I am ashamed of what I did. She endured more than suffering, Xander," my anger spiked because I felt tears involuntarily fill my eyes to the very brim, "You don't understand how bad I was. I wasn't just a regular asshole, I was a monster to her. Do you know how that makes me feel?" Tears rolled down my cheeks, "I'm  supposed to be the protector. I was supposed to keep her safe, but I was the one that gave her to Kendrick. It was me. I'm the one that made MY MATE, THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD, be tortured and be in constant pain and fear for FIVE FUCKING YEARS. So no Xander...My sins are not forgivable."