His Queen

Chapter 20 : Waves

I half expected him to follow me. I expected him to be right behind me when I ran off the porch, and into the woods. I didn't even bother shifting, what was the point?

I didn't have any concept of where I was going. I could see the trees in front of me, but it was like I was in a dream. The only other time I had ever experienced this phenomenon was when I saw my baby sister get ripped to shreds.
When my senses finally return, I find myself standing in front on the big blue ocean. My feet dip in the water as waves crash against the shore. The sun is low, just about to dip out of the horizon. Everything was picturesque but it looked different. I hadn't been back here for two weeks, but something was off. Maybe I was just remebering Rhys saving me or maybe it was something else. I don't know. It's all a blur. Every memory surging through my mind is just images, no sound, no words. It's like I'm watching from above, watching from a distance. It's seeing Evie get torn apart. It's seeing my parents in a pool of their own blood. It's seeing Rhysand...What's the point. What's the point of him. He locks me up. He beats me. He lets me go. He saves me. He leaves me. He apologizes? I'm finally starting to see how messed up my life actually is. I'm covered in scars. Half of which I don't even remember getting. My mate is right in front of me, and he enjoys toying with my emotions.

I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of trying to be the person that I think  Rhys wants. The strong woman, that jokes around about everything. Inside I am anything but.

I pretend to be strong. I had to in front of Ren. But now it's different. I'm letting my guard down, because the first time in two years I feel somewhat safe. I don't have to pretend to be brave anymore. But me feeling safe dosent work either. I'm not strong, my wolf is only awake when Rhysands around. The rest of the time she's dead like the rest of me. She doesn't have to fake it. No one sees her. They just see me.

I thought I was good. I thought that if I focused on revenge my life would somehow pull its self together. Now, however, I was slowly falling apart. Revenge seemed like such a pointless thing when I couldn't even manage to keep my mate.

In the distance I hear a twig snap signaling Rhys arrival. I close my eyes. I can't bear to face him. Too see my pain and hopelessness. Even if he is sorry, what does that mean. Sorry is just a word to excuse your actions.

Every thought, every moment, burns into my mind. I want to curl up and cry. Defeat has never been an option until now.

Before Evie was born, my mother would lay with me as I fell asleep. Just as I would drift off, she would whisper in my ear "Stay Strong my Baby Girl". That's what I held on to everyday. In the hours between beatings. Those five little words kept me alive for two years. But now they're gone. By holding on to those words, I was holding on to my family. They were there with me in that cell. They were there with me when Ren whiped me. I could hear my mothers voice, right before the wolfsbane took control. They were there. But they weren't real.

I'm alone now. Painfully abandoned in a world so cruel.

I'm in a daze again, and I don't even realize I'm in the water, until I'm waist deep. My thoughts are muddled. Uncontrollable and wild.

Behind me I hear a voice.

"Onalee, please listen to me." I hear him plead. I want to look at his face and see if he means it, see if he for once feels sorry for his actions.

My wolf howls loud and painfully in my head. Refusing to let me take charge. She is so broken and hurt. Even our mates words have no effect on her. She forces me to walk further into the water. The pain is too much for her, the obvious rejection from Rhysand pushing her over the edge.

My whole body is submerged in water now, except for my head. It'd be so easy just to go under. It would stop all the pain. I've thought about it before, in my cell. How easy it'd be to just give up. It's the same thing as right now.
But in a way I'm not giving up. I have fought for too long, without a reason to live.