The Stepbrother [BXB]

Chapter 14

Trigger warning. This chapter is going to be about depressive thoughts. If you cannot handle that, then I advise you to not read this. The following texts are all mine. I wrote them once, in class, at home, on the road etc. Please do not copy them or use them. Also, please don't be mean about it. These are my thoughts, and they mean a lot. I wanted to share these because I think it would make it beautiful in the story. Again, these thought resemble depression and suicide. If you have problems, please find help. <3

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Do you ever feel alone? So misunderstood and unwanted? That the only thing you bring is misfortune? I am a bad person, through and through. I don't kill, but I hurt the innocent. Empty, abandoned and forgotten. Without love, slowly breaking down. I'm sorry for what I've done.
I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve it.

I hate who I am and what I've become. I wished I could go back and change things up.
My behaviour, my looks, the way I handled things.
Maybe I wouldn't have to go through this. Maybe then I would have had a better life, had more friends and wouldn't need to lie. That I am happy, laughing every day.
Didn't create the mask that I use to this day.
So many mistakes that keep haunting my head.
Leaving me overthinking and craving for death.
So many times I feel sorry for the people I've met.
For my actions towards them and the things I said.
Hey, I'm sorry ok? Would it matter? Apologising doesn't seem to make things better.
"You're a freak, a weirdo, you don't belong here." Is what they would say. Incaved in my head, comes back, like the sun does every day.
Talking about the sun, they say every day you have a new chance to make things better and give yourself a laugh.
But every day I wake up without the passion and feeling to keep dealing with their voices in my head.
I guess I'm the colourful bird in the group.
They say that the other birds attack him because he seems like a threat.
Well basically I am not different, I need love and support and not you, demon, that I've met.
I want to go back in time, to the time where I didn't know what growing up was. Just living and playing and believing in Jack Frost.
Screaming lyrics of our favourite kids songs and boybands that we adored.
Bring back old stories about abandoned places we had explored.
Man, I want to go back, back to the good times and keep on living knowing that's it's not that common to smile.

I don't get it. I have nothing, do nothing, I lock myself away from society and yet I feel this way. People say that I am a fighter, but how can I fight this? Al my weapons have lost their power. Writing, drawing, singing and making music were my saviours, but now? Nothing. Nothing to be proud of, because how could I be proud of myself?
I sometimes wonder how it would be if it didn't happen. Would I be a normal person? Would I have friends? Would I be going out instead of sitting here? I could try to act normal, like nothing is wrong with me. Just smiling and being happy. Letting them believe they don't get to me. But how hard I try, I break down eventually.

Lying awake again at night.
Hoping that once I will sleep tight. Thoughts are running through my head.
All my tears make my pillow wet.
Feel like there is nothing but fear.
And that there is nobody here.
Who will care about me? When do people hear me? When do people listen? When do people see that I'm not okay? When do people see me? When do people care? When will people realise that it's a fight every day, for me?

I knew I couldn't handle shit.
Put on a mask, fake until you make it.
It's true, I didn't want to face it.
Because I knew I couldn't take it
I've always been the cheery kid.
No nobody expected it.
When I tell them what is going on inside my head.
They look at me and think I'm playing pretend.
No, I swear it's true, I have demons in my mind.
But they just say: don't make a big deal out of it, it's gonna be alright. Everyone assures me that..
Hearing the same words over and over loses the power that it had.
Nobody gets the pain I'm going through.
Feeling alone not sure what I have to do.
I hear I need to talk and need to share.
But whenever I do this, it looks like people don't care.
Alone on this planet, feeling like an alien.
One of a kind, supper different, one big failure. Maybe
They're better off without this mess.
I don't think they could care any less

Leave me alone

Everyone says that they want me to stay. Isn't that just self-interest? They want me to stay for their own happiness. But what about me then?
Every day is a survival for me and I don't know what to say. I know I should stay and my heart says the same. But I cannot help that my mind thinks the other way.

I hate my reflection. I don't like what I see. And don't you come over to tell me that I'm pretty. Don't tell lies, don't do me a favour. I broke my mirror in thousand pieces, and I avoid puddles during recess. I hate my reflection.

I ONLY HURT PEOPLE!
I SHOULD'VE NEVER BEEN BORN!

IT'S ALL MY FAULT! I AM A MONSTER

I don't want to think. I don't want to go there. Leave me alone, please.

It's over. The light is out in me. Desperate and hopeless. I say to people what they want to hear. Alone and withdrawn, hands covering my eyes. Nobody would know that I've lied. I they believe it, then maybe so will I. Lost hope. Waste of time, energy and love you give me. Know that the one who wrote this, fought until everything was sucked out of them, and darkness overtook them.

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So... Yeah. Again, I want to say that I really don't want any hate on this chapter or that people copy my words. Thoughts are very vulnerable and we need to treat them with respect. So please, do not copy.

Also,

If this chapter really affected you, I am sorry, but you choose to read it. I will advise, if you feel down, that you leave this book for now and take some time to watch some funny things or to do other things that make you happy. When your mood is better, come back to finish the story.

Love -Notsouseless.