"give your heart a chance to feel Amanda"
Henry gave us space and left the room when I asked him for a bit of privacy, this was my daughter and as a father and a family, I had a duty to attain before anyone else.
she had every right to be helped and led, no matter what age she became, she IS my daughter.
"dad" she whispered, fear was evident in her tone, stance, breath... she was lost just like her mother said...
"it's okay...you know more than anyone, that what you are feeling and what you're doing are all okay, they are not wrong honey, you know that"
"I don't like feeling this way, like... I'm in some sort of haze... I don't know what to feel or what to do anymore dad..i-" the rhythm of her air intakes was getting rougher and faster "i-"
"it's alright, calm down...breathe Amanda" my feet and arms knew what to do, two led me to her, and two engulfed her tiny body.
I felt her slight shaking, tears on my shirt to stain it, and hands clenched on the fabric like she was afraid of fading...
"I am here honey... it's okay... trust me"
"What am I to do dad? just what am I to do?"
"give your heart a chance, give it release...love without fear..."
"but he's..he's-"
"Ivy's?" I stole the words and spat them out, forcing her body to give up and unleash all of its tension, give up on holding onto this one belief, this one thought, this one torture it's been concealing from the world...
Her breathing stabilized and her head dropped its full weight on my shoulder before she affirmed it in a whisper "yeah"
"they are not married Amanda"
"you know what I mean dad"
"I do, and so does he. And for that he said it, he said he loves you"
"Still, I can never compete with her"
"What is there to compete?"
"i-... I don't know, I really don't..."
"she is gone, honey, why are you tormenting her and using her this way? it's not like she can speak to you"
"But I can't do this to her"
"what about Louis? henry? all of us?...your own self... you can hurt all of us; the living ones but you can't do that the dead? and who said she would be hurt?"
"I didn't mean it that way"
"and so did he. However, you said it yourself, he hurt you."
"no one is going to get her with you loving each other, we will all be happy for you two, more than you could ever think"
"This is not a matter of the mind, this is a matter of the heart...you don't need to think, I have already done that for you, I just want you to feel now " my hands fell on her shoulders before they pushed her slightly away from me so I can look her in the eyes when I say this "what does your heart want?" I poked her chest where her heart resides "what does it want?"
YOU ARE READING
i am not a replacement
Non-FictionAmanda decided to sacrifice everything and get married just for the sake of the future of her deceased friend's baby. Thinking that everything she has ever done was the right choice, she starts to break down when the outcome is something she never t...
