Sometimes he loves me

Chapter 17

EMMA

I open my car door and try not to look at him, but my eyes inadvertently slide past his outfit. His black shirt somehow emphasises his tattoos even more. Especially the one on his throat keeps my attention a little longer. It annoys me that he looks so good today. Now that I know who he is, I look at him from a completely different perspective. I just don't know which way yet.

"Are you okay, darling?" He asks.

I can feel him trying to make eye contact, so I focus extra hard on putting my car keys in my black clutch.
It bothers me how much I want him to walk in there with me. And it bothers me even more that I already feel more comfortable within his presence. "Yeah, thanks for coming with me." I say curtly. I don't know why everything he does annoys me today. I am the one that wanted him to join, right? Too afraid to go alone...

We walk up to the house in silence. The idea that my mom will live here alone from now on is crazy. I almost feel sorry for her, but that pity disappears like snow in the sun when she opens the door and the scent of beer escapes from the house. Of course they're drinking, like I expected otherwise.

"Emma." My mom hugs me as if she didn't just see me at the funeral. At least she looks better than an hour ago, I can't bear to see her sad.

When she lets go of me again, her eyes fall on Finn. "And who is this?" She gives me a confused but curious look.

Of course it's a little weird that I'm here with someone other than Vincent. Not that my mother really has a bond with Vincent, but that's more because I keep him away from this house—and my family, because I'm ashamed.

"Uh mom..., this is Finn." I say, imagining her disbelief.

I secretly look at him out of the corner of my eye as he greets my mother. I Can't believe I didn't recognize him... Now that I know, it's so obvious. His eyes, his smile, his voice... even the feeling he gives me is the same as before.

"Deborah's Finn?" She looks at him as if she doesn't believe it.

"Yes madam." His smile is warm and confident.

"Oh my, look how you've grown!" She grabs his arms and looks at him closely. "Emma had such a big crush on you. It was so cute. She talked about you all the time." She says enthusiastically, making me almost choke on my own saliva.

He looks at me and grins "Is that so, darling?" He asks in an amused tone.

I roll my eyes. "Just for a year or so, when I was eight." I say, my face turns red by the subject. Slightly irritated I look back at my mom. "Can we come in?"

"Yes, yes! I'm sorry." She says before stepping aside and letting us walk in. "I always wondered where your family moved to. Deborah never came to say goodbye. How is she? And how is your dad?" She continues to talk to Finn.

I give him a look and then keep on walking, I don't want to hear his explanation to my mom while he hasn't even given me one. I'm grateful he came with me today, but I'm still mad about him leaving without saying anything 8 years ago.

The living room is packed, people sit and stand everywhere laughing and crying to commemorate my father. Gliding my eyes along the crowd, I freeze when I see Richard, my father's friend. He's standing on the other side of the living room and stares at me with those horrible blue eyes. I immediately feel anxious when I see him make his way towards me.

I quickly turn around, looking for a way out, only to crash into Finn, who has quietly come up behind me. He looks around in amazement. I think it's been a long time for him since he's been here and seen all these people.

He looks down at me and pins his eyebrows together, acknowledging my panic. "Are you okay, darling?" He whispers, laying his hand on my lower back.

I shake my head. "Take me out of here." I almost choke on my words and barely get them over my lips. I can't breathe.

"Emma? Is that you?" I hear Richard's voice behind me. I feel his calloused hands on my bare shoulders and immediately feel nauseous. I swallow bile and then turn to him. I feel my jaw tighten as I nod and force a smile.

His eyes glide over my body, making me want to put on three thick sweaters, like I used to do to hide my body from his eyes, but even then I'd feel like he could see through them.

He looks up at me and then smiles that smile that I can no longer bear. That hypocritical smirk that makes no one see what kind of monster he is.

"Look at you, you've... grown up." His gaze briefly moves to my breasts and then back to my face. "How about a hug for your old friend Richard?"

I take a step back and bump into Finn again, who puts his hands on my shoulders, comforting me. Richard's eyes shoot up to Finn and before they can dart back to me Finn turns me around, making me face him. I taste blood from how tense I kept my jaws clenched and my hands are trembling.

He looks down at my shaking hands and grabs one of them, moving his other hand to my face. It's like he knows exactly what's going on, but I never told him.

Finn strokes his fingers along my clenched jaw and then puts them underneath my chin to softly lift my face. I look at him and can't help the tears burning in my eyes. I manage to keep them from spilling, but Finn notices anyway.

I didn't expect to react this way. I didn't think about Richard being here either. Jesus I'm so fucking dumb.

"Why don't you go upstairs, darling." He says to me in a whisper. "I'll find you later tonight."

"Thank you." I say breathless, ignoring the confused expression on Richard's face behind me.

When he lets me walk past him to the stairs his soft gaze turns deadly as he looks up at Richard. "Richard, right?" I hear him say.

I don't hear what is said next, I walk upstairs on autopilot. On my way to my old room. I leave the crowd downstairs and climb onto the roof through my window. Can I even still call it mine? I haven't lived here for a few weeks, but all the stuff that I didn't take with me is still here.

I doubt my parents even spared a look at my room once.

I spread a blanket from my old bed over the roof before sitting down. I have goosebumps and regret I didn't put on something a little warmer. I hadn't really expected that I would run into Richard and hide here for the rest of the evening.

But what did I expect... Of course he would be here! He was my dad's best friend.

I turn to the side and take away a stone, which I hid an iron box behind. It makes me smile when I think about how Finn used to hide candy in this box for me. I replaced that candy with Marijuana a while ago.

When I open the box, the spliff and lighter I put in it before I moved are still inside. Both well packed.

For a while I went through the trouble of including a pack of gum so my parents couldn't smell that I had smoked. But after a few months I started to wonder who I was trying to fool. My parents were always so drunk that most of the time they didn't even notice my presence. Let alone my red eyes and the scent of Marijuana that curled into my hair and clothes.

I look at the box again, letting my thoughts wander back to Finn. He'll probably be up here soon. Sometimes I regret never telling him about what Richard did to me, but what could he have done about it? He had his own problems.