Sometimes he loves me

Chapter 18

EMMA

It's almost dark outside and it has cooled down considerably compared to this afternoon. I closed the bedroom window behind me, but suddenly hear a glass break downstairs. When that happens, you know someone is really drunk. I have no idea how many times my mother has had to buy new ones, but I don't really want to know that answer either. The sound reminds me of the fights my parents often had when I still lived here. I somehow feel bad about thinking that my dad is gone and they'll never argue again.

In an attempt to silence the familiar sounds, I take my phone and headphones from my clutch, which barely fit and turn my music as loud as possible. I light up the joint and take a relieved hit as Hayd's "Changes" starts playing.

I can feel the tension of this week slipping off my shoulders and the angry frown that I couldn't get rid of also falls off my face like a mask. I take another hit and I feel like I can breathe better and finally relax.
When I take off my headphones after listening to a couple of songs, I hear even more noise downstairs. I'm assuming more people must have joined. This is exactly how my father would have wanted his goodbye. Loud, with lots of alcohol.

I can feel the weed seeping through my blood and feel every fibre floating in my body. The world is a lot more bearable at this moment.

The sky has turned black for the most part, but in the distance there is still a strip of a colour mix floating. Amethyst which turns into agate blue.
The stars seem to twinkle down on me and I enjoy the sounds the night makes that you can never hear during the day. All my fears seize to exist in this floating fine world.

I look up startled when a shadow looms next to me. I was so deep in my own thoughts that I hadn't even heard my window slide open. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see it's Finn.

"Sorry I kept you waiting, darling." He says and sits down next to me.

"That's okay." I say softly.

While he takes in the surroundings in silence, I take in his appearance. The ring in his nose glistens in the moonlight. I never pictured him with one, but it suits him. It's just... Finn. It feels weird sitting on the roof with him, it gives me a strange sense of relief and confidence. It's like old times.

I offer him the joint without thinking, I don't even know if he smokes weed. The last time I knew him was when we were young. Ten and fifteen years old.
It might also be weird for him to see me smoking weed. He remembers me as that cute girl who wanted to be Snow White when I grew up. Not like a tortured soul who sometimes needs narcotics to silence the voices in her heart.

Fortunately, he does take the joint from me while I remain lost in thoughts.

"It's been a long time since I've sat on this roof." He says after a long silence.

I've been on this roof way too often. Unfortunately, it has become a second home for me. A place to go to after I couldn't run to Finn anymore. I've sat here night after night wondering what happened to him. Why his house was empty and abandoned and why, three months later, two elderly people suddenly came to live there.

I also thought about what I would say to him when I saw him again, but now that he's sitting here next to me, all those words are forgotten.

I look away and at the sky instead. I promised myself that I wouldn't just forgive him. That I wouldn't let myself get hurt again, but I find it very difficult not to fall back into old habits with him. A lot of things have been so easy between us since that first conversation in the kitchen.

I would love to tell him everything what has happened in the past eight years and let go of what happened between us. But I can't. I can't allow myself to forget that betrayal.