Sometimes he loves me

Chapter 32

EMMA

I look up as Finn walks into the guest room. Confusion is written all over his face when his gaze goes to my suitcase on the bed and the stuff I'm packing.

"Are you looking for something?" He asks as he puts on a t-shirt. Judging by his facial expression he already knows the answer.

I shake my head. "I have to leave..."

"Did something happen in London with your mother?"

I shake my head again. I feel bad for wishing that was the case instead of the fucked up situation I am in now.

"Did I do something wrong?" He continues.

How on earth can he think that? That he's done something wrong... He never does anything wrong. It's Finn... Finn, my rock.

"No..." I turn my back to him and continue packing so he doesn't see the tears spilling over. "This was all a mistake." I lie and try not to let the despair be heard in my shaky voice. "I'm going back to Vincent."

I hear Finn's footsteps coming towards me and he gently grabs my wrist. I let him turn me around to face him, too numb to resist anyway.

"Tell me why." He states.

I swallow before finally looking up at his face. "I love him, Finn..." and I love you more, that's why I'm doing this. "I'm not ready to lose him." I lie again.

His eyes darken so I look away before he says. "He doesn't deserve your love, Emma. He's just using you as his personal punching bag."

I breathe in a shallow breath at those painful words, feeling like there's a fucking brick laying on my chest. "He loves me in his own way." I say as if I really still believe those words, I have to.

"He doesn't love you."

I blink away my tears before I meet his pained gaze. "Sometimes. He loves me sometimes and that's enough." I lie.

"You deserve someone who always loves you." Is his rebuttal that crushes every argument.

When I don't answer, his expression becomes desperate. I've never seen him this way and it breaks my heart. "If you want me to beg for you, I will beg, darling. If you want to see me on my knees, I will kneel." He says and grabs my wrist tighter, but it doesn't hurt.

"I have to do this, Finn." Every fibre in my body hopes for another truth, but I have no choice if I want to save his future. That's the only reason I made this fucked up decision. I would do anything to save him like he saved me.

"I love you." When those words pass his lips, time stands still for a moment and my heartbeat seems to slow down. I feel fresh tears roll down my cheeks as I hold his gaze. He moves his hand from my wrist to my elbow and holds it there. His calm is gone and all that's left is devastation. Horrible, painful, devastation. He looks at me as broken as I feel.

"Please don't say that." I beg, finding more pain in those words then love right now.

"How can you do this to yourself?" He whispers, making me break.

Crying, I fall into his arms and he locks me into a tight protective hug.

"You don't understand, I have no other choice." I sob against his chest.

"You always have a choice, stay with me."

Stay with me. That sounds so good coming out of Finn's mouth, so utterly perfect and natural. As if it's meant to be. But staying here will mean the end of us. The end of Finn's life as we know it. The end of his dreams, of his freedom.

"It won't work." A lie. A fucking awful lie, because I know we would be so beautiful together. I've never believed in soulmates, but he is coming pretty damn near what I think it should feel like.

He slightly leans back to look down at me. I feel so safe in his arms that I almost give in and want to tell him every threat Vincent listed on the phone half an hour ago, but I also know that Finn would sacrifice himself for me and I don't want that. I'm not going to let him throw his life away for someone like me.

As Finn's hands move to my hips I feel shocks shoot through my body and before I realise what I'm doing I press my lips against his. For a moment it feels like we're in our own universe where no one can break us. Him and me against everyone.

He grabs my hips and pushes me hard, yet controlled against the wall, making my clit throb for his rough hands. But as my body heats up, I come back to my senses and force myself to break the kiss.

"Finn, stop." I say in a rasping voice, disappointed because I don't want him to stop.

"I love you, Emma." His hot breath tickles my lips, making me want to taste more of him. Making me want him to push me harder against this fucking wall.

"I have to go..." I hear myself whisper in a strangled voice.

He looks down at my teared up face as if he's in pain and when my eyes meet his, he locks in our gaze as if he is trying to remember every colour blend and every lash, knowing that after today we will never see each other again.

I put my hands against his arms to create distance while everything in me is fighting and screaming to stay with him.

"Emma, ​​please." His voice breaks when I walk to the bed to zip up my suitcase and set it on the floor. With every step I take away from him, the hole in my chest seems to get bigger. "I love you more than Vincent ever will."

I feel myself break apart from the inside, I have to end this before I give in. I'm not going to put Finn in jail for my shit, so as the tears stream down my cheeks like a waterfall, I turn to him. "Please stop Finn, I don't need your love!" I yell.

"But I need yours." He says. His words catch me off guard, but I refrain myself from breaking down even more.

"We've been without each other for eight years, haven't we?" My own words cut into my soul like a sharp knife and I know I'm just saying this to convince myself I don't need him in my life. I made it without him for years. The rest of my life without him shouldn't be so hard then right?

Without giving him a chance to answer I storm out of the room, even if it's to stop myself from turning around. This battle with Vincent isn't his, it's mine.

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