Sometimes he loves me

Chapter 39

FINN

One week later— I dry my hair with my towel while I look in the half-fogged mirror. My eyes are filled with rage. Anger that entered my body when Emma told me she had a nightmare about Vincent a week ago. I feel the way I felt when she told me about Richard, like I want to take away that pain from her.

Even imagining that the punching bag at the gym was Vincent's head didn't work this morning. I'd rather make him suffer and stab my knife in between every single rib. Slow and painful for all the times he's made Emma suffer. But I won't hurt him, not if it means it will hurt her. She begged me last Friday not to touch him, so I won't. I'll wait patiently until she gives me permission. And then, I'll fucking make him suffer.

I'm startled from my thoughts by the sound of Emma's scream. I throw my towel in the sink and hurry to the guest room. I throw the door open and see her in the middle of the bed, tangled in the covers with sweat coating her skin. 

She's been sobbing and screaming in her sleep every night this past week, only vaguely remembering it was about Vincent when she wakes up in terror. 

I walk towards the bed and grab her wrists, which she tries to yank loose. "Emma, ​​wake up." I say, but she's too deep into her sleep.

I let go of her wrists, knowing I might get clawed up by her, but I don't care. I hardly felt the scratch on my face she made by accident a couple of days ago. I grab her under her arms and pull her towards me.

"Breathe." I order.

A sharp jolt through her body tells me she has woken up. She looks up at me, her eyes glazed, panicked and it breaks my heart. "Breathe." I say again.

She does as I say. 

"Again." I keep my voice low. I don't want to upset her.

Again she does what I tell her to do, as if she automatically responds to my voice. 

I run my fingers through her damp hair. "It was just a nightmare, darling."

She leans against me and closes her eyes. "Did I wake you again?" She whispers softly.

"No."

"Good." She breathes.

After a while her breathing becomes regular and she falls back to sleep, resting in my arms. I quietly and slowly try to crawl from underneath her so I don't wake her. It's six in the morning and I want her to rest some more before she has to get ready for internship in an hour.

"No." She moans. I look at her face to see if she's having another nightmare. Her eyes are closed, but her hand is wrapped around my wrist. Her fingers tremble. "Don't leave." Her voice is just a whisper. "Please don't leave me alone."

I lay back down next to her and put my arm around her perfect waist. She squeezes into me and I hold her tightly grabbing the blanket to cover her.  She seems to want to crawl all the way into the warmth of my arms and I gently press a kiss on her crown. "I will never leave, darling." I whisper more to myself than to her.

🖤

EMMA

I smooth out my white A-line dress when I hear a knock on the bedroom door. I see Finn stand in the doorway through the mirror. His gaze moves to my made bed. I hardly remember him waking me up from my nightmare earlier, but I woke up in his arms at seven.

"How are you feeling, darling?" He asks.

I throw one last glance at my own reflection, my dress, my curled hair, my black boots and then grab my bag from the bed. "Good, let's go." I say and want to walk past him, but he grabs my wrist, yanking me back and gently placing me against the doorpost.
I ignore the sudden sexual tension I feel and try to breathe normally.
I had too much on my mind this past week to even think about what might happen between us, since I'll be staying with him for a while. But now it dawns on me that the answer is; a lot. A lot might happen.
He looks down at me. "Are you sure you don't want another day off?"
"You already gave me a whole week, Finn." I tell him.
"I know."
I stare at him for a moment and then say, "This whole week I have felt numb, like leaving Vincent wasn't real and I could wake up at any moment. I was scared of that, because being here and away from him is so peaceful. I wake up from nightmares I hardly remember, but this morning I did." I look away, but quickly force myself to make eye contact again, despite how vulnerable I feel telling him this.
"He didn't chase me or kill me this time. I dreamt we were back together and that made me realise how terrified that made me, I felt so suffocated and stuck. I didn't realise it was a dream and asked myself why? Why are we back here? We finally left, didn't we?"
Finn's eyes darken, so I take his hand in mine and continue, "But when I woke up and realised it wasn't real. That I got away and how happy I am without him. I don't understand how he's okay with destroying someone like this. I tried to think of reasons good enough to explain his behaviour, but there isn't one. I can't change anything about what he did to me, so now it's time to get my life back on track. I don't want him to ruin more than he already has. I know it sounds weird and doesn't make sense." I sigh, "I can't even wrap my mind around it myself, but I've never felt better." I tell him and mean it. "I woke up with this weird feeling of finally being free."
Yes, I cry in Finn's arms almost every night and wake up drained from the past years with Vincent. And yes, I still have to figure out how in God's name I'm going to afford an apartment on my own. But this morning I finally woke up feeling strong and happy, despite the nightmares.
The version of me from a few months ago would have checked her phone everyday to see if she got messages from Vincent, but not this Emma. I don't care if he texted or called me. I finally don't care if he is angry or upset.
"So let's go," I smile at him, feeling like the strong woman I woke up as. "I don't want my boss to be mad at me because I'm late." I tease and then walk away, down the stairs.

🖤

Sem isn't in her office at the end of my day, so I continue my way through the hallway and hear loud voices from Bjorn and Stefan's office. When I walk in, they all look at me. Stefan and Bjorn both warmly smile at me. I haven't told them that I'm staying at Finn's place and they didn't notice us coming in together either, so I decided it wasn't worth mentioning.
This morning Sem carefully asked why I had the week off and if I'm okay, so I lied and told her I was in London for family business. I'm not sure how to explain everything just yet. Maybe it's the feeling of shame that stops me from telling everyone I broke up with Vincent. I don't know. I just don't want people to know. Not even my mom knows about it yet.
"Emma." Sem gracefully slides off the desk of her husband which she was sitting on. "We were just talking about grabbing a drink in the bar downstairs and watching the race after."
People have been walking in and out all day preparing for the race tonight and when I looked out of the window ten minutes ago I saw half of the bleachers were filled up already.
"Come with us." Stefan says.
I uncomfortably stand in the doorway. "I don't know." I say unsure, not knowing if Finn would want to wait for me.
"Ah come on, it's Friday and it's going to be fun!" Sem tries. "Think of it as a staff party. Or even as a welcome party."
I feel a hand on my shoulder and look around surprised, seeing Finn stand behind me. "You should go with them." He tells me.
"See? The boss agrees." Sem says.
"Don't you want to come?" I ask him, suddenly craving his presence.
"I have business to take care of, so we'll see each other after the race." He says.
My eyes dart to the rest that all stare at us, but I decide I don't care what they think and turn back to Finn. "Thank you. I'll see you after the race then."
He nods and puts his hands in his pockets, throwing a soft smile at the rest. "Have fun, the drinks are on me." And he's gone.
When I turn back they are still staring. "What?" I say. "He's giving me a ride home because my car broke down." I lie.
"I thought you said you walk here." Sem says.
"Did I?" I ask, which makes her laugh.
"Look at her," Stefan grins. "Red as a tomato."
"I'm not red." I put my hands on my cheeks, that feel too hot for comfort. Shit, I am red. I quickly clear my throat. "I thought we were going for drinks. Let's go."
"Okay, little Miss Secretive. I'll get the answers out of you somehow." Sem says and hooks her arm through mine, walking me out of the office.
I laugh at how cheerful she is and realise it's my first real laugh in a long time. It still hurts my jaw, but that's what you get when you haven't genuinely used your facial muscles for at least a year.