I Won't Let Go [ BWWM ]

Chapter 36

Through the Fire

** Journee**

“What do you mean I’m not going anywhere? Are you kidnapping me?” “Don’t be ridiculious Journee. I’m not kidnapping you.” “So, I can go home?” “No. Where are your keys?” “For what?” “Curtis is going to get your car and get you some clothes. You’re not leaving. We need to talk.” “Ugh here fine.” I throw my keys at Ethan. “Thank you.” I watched him text someone which I’m assuming is Curtis. “I’m going to eat” “Waffles, bacon, eggs and fruit is in there on the island and juice is in the refrigerator.”

Ethan came in got a plate and joined me in eating. He didn’t eat until he said his grace. “What do we need to talk about Ethan?” “Your spirling out of control.” “You’re not my fucking dad. I don’t need you telling me what he hell I’m doing.” Ethan begin to say something but I gave him a look and he stopped and we ate in silence. After I was finished I went and took a shower. Luckily after I was done I noticed Curtis came because I had some clothes on the bed.

Once I go dressed I layed down for a little bit when it seems the movies of my life begin to play in very slow motion. I just cried silently as all the pain settled inside of me. 

When I got up a few hours I walked into the living room to see Ethan reading his bible. I sat in the enrance way on the floor and just wached him. Looking around at all he pictures of him and his family and awards he has collected on the walls of his house. I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard my name being called.

“I’m sorry. I was in my own world.” “You ok.” “Yeah I’m fine. What do you want to talk about?” “You. Why did you want me to stay with you out of all people? Why didn’t you tell me what happen? I just wan..” I put my hand up to stop Ethan from talking.

“Do you know what it is like to be broken? I mean broken to the point you can even find all the pieces of yourself no where.” Ethan had a look on his face so I just continued.

“I am so broken. When first broke I tried to pull it together and I did for a little bit but all of that changed when I got sent to that house of hell. I remember the first time he took me.” My eyes begin to burn from my eyes being swollen up with tears. “His wife gave me a bath and she was telling me how to be a big girl. I really didn’t understand what she was telling me. I was just a kid. When I got out the tub I tried to try myself off and she said, ‘no let me do it.’ I let her and how she was doing tthings to me, the way she was touching me it wasn’t like how my mom did when she taught me. I just ran to my room and quickly put on my clothes and got in the bed. She came and sat on the side of the bed and asked me whats wrong. I shook my head in the no motion meaning nothing. The door open again she said we wan to show you something. They turned on the television and put in a movie. I thought it was a cartoon or something but no it was porn. I saw white woman and man in a bed. He started taking off her clothes. I said I don’t want to watch. She turned the volume up so loud. I tried to run to the door but he caught me. He took off my clothes then went to his wife kissed her and took off her clothes. He said sit on the bed mommy is going to show you something. I said no leave me alone. She started sucking his dick and he said watch baby girl your next. If you do a great job daddy is give you special kisses. She stopped and said do you feel weird down there. I said no. just leave me alone. She pushed me furher on the bed. He opened my legs. I tried so hard to close my legs but he opened them and ran his fingers over pussy. I screamed and said stop. He said, ‘don’t you like it baby girl.’ I said no with tears streaming down my face. He said ‘look at the television sweetheart. Do you see how she being a good girl and taking it? You need to do it now. That bitch wife of his held me down while he pushed himself into me. I sreamed so loud I drowned out the television and cried so hard. Fighting made it worse. She not only held me down but leaned down and sucked and licked on my nipples. Each thrust go harder and harder my screams got even louder I carried harder. When he finished, he came on my chest and stomach. His wife licked it off me and then kissed him. I got sick on both of them. She took me to get a shower. I was hurting so bad. I could hardly move. After the shower, he came back in my room hit me with a belt, actually the belt buckle part a few times then he turned me over on my stomach and did it again. She sat on the floor on the side of the bed facing us. That sick bitch masterbated to it. Until I left this happened all the time. Then he started bringing in more people in then I go pregnant but I honestly don’t know who Oliver’s father is.”

I looked up at Ethan who had tears streaming down his face. Then I continued. 

“when I had, Oliver there was so much peace it seemed like nothing else mattered. I looked in his eyes his last breath seem to linger forever but to me it still wasn’t long enough for me. I said in the hospital then I buried him. I went through everything alone. The night I buried Oliver I left and never looked back. I went to some state I can’t even remember. It was a Saturday night I was hungry and on the streets, the pain and hurt from missing my son became to much for me to bare. I went to a store and stole razors. I took the out the packaging hid them in my pockets. I sat in the back on tha store until they closed and everyone had left. I cut myself up so bad. I cut my arm, legs, thights, feet, hands basically any and where where I could. I tried in my back but was unsuccessful. I don’t know what happen all just remember waking up in a hospital strpped down to a bed. They told me two 9th grade students found me. If they didn’t find me I would have eventually bleed out. They gave me some stuff to make them invisable. When I left, their I hit the streets turned to drugs. After a few months, I went to another stated checked myself into rehab. After I left their I moved here. When I went to Flordia and he was in that club I tried so hard. I needed and wanted you to stay with me because I was scared. I was that little girl agagin and I didn’t have no one to hold onto.”

“Journee” “Ethan don’t.” “Don’t pity me or feel sorry for me. What they did shattered me. Those shattered pieces then formed into a liquid and rolled every where except to bring me back together. I wake up everyday in a place worse than hell. I a so empy nothing lives in. I started selling my body because I know deep down no one wants a person like me who is damaged.”

Ethan walked over to me and sat beside me while I cried and let me tears tell me anout the rest of my brokenness.

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