Peter Parker Oneshots

Post Mortem

the last one people liked a lot so here's a short sequel!

so ya know this chapter dedicated to y'all and also the damn music playlist shuffling and constantly bringing me to the most depressing songs

Peter was sitting in the Buzzfeed Unsolved office.

Or, more accurately, on, because he was in fact on the ceiling. His mask - although unnecessary at this point - was rolled just above his nose so he could talk easily from his perch above the two people.

"Hello and welcome to another edition of Buzzfeed Unsolved Post Mortem, a show where we answer your most pressing questions about the most recent episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved, which was the Spider-Man." Ryan quickly said all the information as Shane stared offscreen away from the cameras and Peter just grinned. 

" All questions we answered today came from you guys via our Buzzfeed Unsolved Facebook page, and our Buzzfeed Unsolved Instagram page or directly on the video on-" In unison, the two people said "BUN!"

"And what an adventure!" Shane exclaimed, laughing. "That was pretty insane," Ryan commiserated. "And, in case you didn't notice, we brought a special guest with us today, because our life became like ten times more insane," He continued, gesturing at Peter. On the ceiling, the boy waved. "Hi, it's me, Spidey," Peter said, as if he needed to point it out.

"So, you guys know it was a... quite eventful day for the two of us," Shane said. "Yes... quite a- quite an interesting day," Ryan added, nodding. "It was pretty crazy. Fun, though," Shane pointed out. Everything was silent for a second until Peter stage-whispered "I don't actually know what I'm supposed to be doing here," And they all started laughing.

"It's okay, I don't think Shane knows what he's doing ever," Ryan pointed out. "Let's get started in Gramtown!" Shane said quickly.

"You have to stop calling that Gramtown." "I'm never going to stop, Ryan. Never."

"Here we go! oh.fuck.me says '#postmortem... no offense but is this actually legit? because you guys seemed like you were really badly acting out a scene in a movie'."

They stared at each other for a few seconds. "I think it was real," Peter volunteered. "Well. The absolute truth is malleable isn't it? It depends on who's hearing it. If I murdered Shane.. and cut up his body with an axe... and threw the remains into the sea... and buried his head in the- oh! Sorry, Ricky was coming out there for a bit," Ryan apologized. 

"Yes, it was real," Shane said decisively after a few seconds.

"Over in... Facebook, i'msocreative says 'for the postmortem: Is Iron Man Spidey's father? Because he seems like it. Plus Spidey called him a helicopter parent :D #shaniac #butryanscooltoo,'" Ryan read aloud.

The two of them looked up at him (still on the ceiling), and he grinned. "The absolute truth is malleable," Peter quoted, shooting finger guns at the camera. There was a disappointed silence in the room, so Peter took pity. "No. At least, not legally or biologically, but he's definitely a helicopter... mentor? I don't know."

"Back on Gramtown, look.at.these.users commented '#postmortem what alley were you guys in? i wanna find spidey's hideout #boogara' Um, good question! Do either of you know?" Shane asked. Ryan shrugged. "How should I know, I don't live there!"

Silently they turned to Peter. "Yeah, we were at the corner of East 42nd and Madison. From there, figure it out. I already evacuated - that's... not the word. Uhh. I already took out most of the stuff but you'll find, like, a television."

"Here from Youtube, we have feeling.inventive saying 'is it just me, or is spidey fucking adorable? #fuckshaniacandboogara #imaspiderfan'" Ryan quoted.

Peter grinned at the camera. "I'm so glad you noticed," He said, dropping gracefully to the ground and opening his mouth to begin when Shane cut him off. "It's just you. Sorry feeling dot inventive, you're alone in that region."

Peter glared at him through the mask until Ryan began to speak. "Actually, that comment got 1.2k replies. Agreeing with them. And they all said they were, quote, '#spiderfans'."

Shane scowled playfully, and Peter just smirked at him. "See? These people know what they're talking about!"

"Leave. You're no longer invited," Shane told him, mock-serious. Peter put a hand over his heart, playing at offense. "No, I want him to stay!" A camera person yelled from the back of the room. "Thank you!" Peter replied.

"Oh! Our good friend freerangegrass came back! They say 'spider-man is our friend. he is in support of the spread of our type, and while he is not grass-fed free-range grass, i have seen many a fight for justice in this hero. perhaps as i spread across new york we will discover more about him. i am an omniscient being, and i find myself, as well as my fellow grass-fed free-range grass compelled to discover more. it will be a utopia and he, as well as you, will be a part of it. i returned from my time travelling, but i will set off again, and this too, may be my last correspondence. God Bless America, and God Bless Spider-Man."

Peter stared at Shane's phone for a solid minute. "Thanks? I think? Actually yes, thank you very much. This is the best day of my life," He laughed.

"It's time for ROAST MORTEM!" Shane interrupted. 

"still.so.imaginative on Instagram says '#roastmortem why does ryan look like he went to fight king kong? all that protective gear, he looks like an idiot'."

"Jokes on you, I didn't get held at gunpoint!" Ryan retorted swiftly, and Shane grinned. 

"insert.user.here says 'for the roast mortem: i feel bad for anyone who fights ryan and shane, they'd probably be arrested for manslaughter."

"Well, they're the ones in jail!" Shane countered as Peter watched them fire back at random commenters- probably four in total.

He didn't even realize as they wrapped it up. "Well, that does it for this episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved: Post Mortem. Make sure you watch the episode this Friday and then comment directly on the video or on Buzzfeed Unsolved Network, or the Buzzfeed Unsolved Instagram page, or the Facebook page."

"Wait- wait, what's coming next week?" Shane questioned. "It's.. a parental tale, definitely," Ryan replied. "I see..."

There was a pause. 

"Our weekly Q&A concluded, I now welcome you to the part of the show we call the Hot Daga, commissioned and starring Ryan Bergara and written by me - Shane Madej, and adored by every single viewer, and if you don't like it you can kiss my Apple Taters!"

"NO! NOT THIS AGAIN-"

i'm tired, this was short, I'm sorry lmao