Ray Of Light

this isn't on you

*two days later*

                  Jay was asleep with his hand in the incubator, which luckily Gracie would be able to permanently come out of tonight, when he heard the shuffling of bed sheets ahead of him.  He fluttered his eyes open to see a pair of arms moving around slightly on the bed in front of his eyes, he shot up rapidly and gently removed his finger from Gracies tiny hand before standing up.  There she was, Emily, she's awake... He felt a wave of different emotions wash over him; sadness, happiness, empathy, excitement, but most of all... love.  He grabbed her hand as she slowly woke up from her coma, "hi baby, you're okay, I'm right here..." he cupped her face gently.  She let his eyes with a confused look on her face but eased into his touch and smiled weakly, "you're okay" he nodded with tears in his eyes.

                    After letting her know that she was okay and that he wasn't going anywhere, jay got up and checked on Gracie before running out to find Will. Luckily he spotted the red head quickly and called him over, "she's awake" he sighed happily.  Will smiled, "c'mon" he ran back over to the room with his brother.  The pair entered the room again but both went to different people.  Will walked over to Emily to check her over, whereas jay walked over to Gracie and picked her up from her incubator.  Will smiled weakly as Emily's eyes glued at straight onto her baby, with tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat she nodded, "how long was I out for?" She whispered.  Will looked up at jay, "four days" he answered. Jay smiled and walked over to his fiancée with their baby in his arms, "do you wanna hold Gracie?" He nodded.

Emily said nothing at all but her non verbal response shocked jay completely, Emily shook her head as slowly as she could but kept her guilt ridden eyes glued onto her baby's face. The brunette looked up at his brother with a hurt look on his face, Will also seemed saddened by her answer but he knew why. So he signalled for jay to step outside, "she's feeling every emotion under the sun jay, it has nothing to do with you or Gracie..." the red head tried to explain. Jay shook his head, "what if she doesn't want us anymore?" He kept his eyes locked onto gracies blue orbs. Will shook his head, "don't talk like that man, she's not leaving either of you. But right now she's probably feeling a mix of shock and guilt, you just have to give her time jay. Remember what she's just been through, she's traumatised alright? Don't take it personally" he squeezed his brothers shoulder.

Jay nodded, "what now?" He sniffled slightly. Will smiled sadly, "well I need her to rest up since she's still not out of the woods yet, but after that I'll page from Charles and see where we stand" he nodded. Jay nodded, "okay, yeah... alright. Do I have to leave her for now?" He sighed. Will shook his head, "just stay with her, she needs you both more than ever right now" he smiled. Jay nodded, "okay, thanks" he sighed and turned around. He walked back into Emily's room to see her curled up on her side, fast asleep. He smiled sadly but that smile soon turned into a frown when he remembered what just happened. He sat down with Gracie in his arms and sighed, all of the possibilities flooded his mind again. What if gracie gives Emily a hard time? That'll make Emily feel worse. Postnatal depression... That can't happen, Emily's always been a happy cheery soul...

~~~~~~~~

Jay was stood outside with Will as doctor Charles left the room, "she's doing a little better, I think that reality's starting to hit her now. She's aware that she has a child, and that she doesn't need to feel awkward around the pair of you anymore. I think all she needs is for you two the spend time with her, maybe she'll hold Gracie for a little while too" the psychiatrist nodded. Jay smiled at Will, "is she gonna be okay?" He sighed. Dr Charles slowly shook his head, "she's gonna suffer for a while, but that's to be expected after going through something as difficult as this. She might struggle to cater towards Gracie, and she might feel like she can't do this whole parenting ordeal. It's gonna be tough on the both of you, but as long as you have each other, she'll be back to normal in no time" he smiled sadly.

                  Jay was distraught after hearing that, he can't imagine knowing that the love of his life is going to struggle with something that should make her the happiest woman in the world.  He nodded after realising that he zoned out for a few seconds, "I think it's best if you see her on your own for now, talk to her and make her feel comfortable, then try introducing Gracie when she's ready" dr Charles nodded.  Jay sighed and nodded, "okay" he turned to enter Emily's room.  He paused before entering and took a shaky breath.  Slowly, he entered the room and saw Emily's eyes meet his own.  He smiled weakly as she smiled back.  He strolled over to her bed and sat down on the edge.  She reached her hand up and placed it on the side of his cheek, "hi" she smiled.  He smiled back but he could see the pain all over her face.

                  "Hi" he held her hand.  She smiled and nodded, "I'm sorry" she nodded.  He frowned and shook his head, "for what em?" His heart shattered.  "For not being here when you needed me the most" she whispered and looked down.  He shook his head and cupped her face with his hands, "this isn't on you, okay? Don't you dare blame yourself for any of this Emily. Nobody could've stopped it from happening, and right now and I'm just happy that I have you back, and that we have Gracie in our lives" he smiled widely.  She smiled back and grabbed his hand, "where is she?" She sniffled.  Jay nodded, "with Will, do you wanna see her?" He smiled proudly.  Emily get her smile drop, "would she even want to see me?" She spoke insecurely.  Jays heart dropped for a second.

                  "You're her mother em, of course she wants to see you. I want you to see her, I want you to get to know our baby. She has your eyes after all..." he smiled.  She tried to smile back but her doubts were too loud, all she could think about was how she was probably going to let her baby girl down.  Jay smiled sadly, "stop thinking" he rubbed his thumb over her cheek when the thoughts became visible on her face.  She looked up at him as Will walked into the room with Gracie, the red head said nothing but flashed a sympathetic smile as he left again.  Jay nodded, "you ready? She's heavier than you'd think" he laughed slightly, just trying to lighten the rather dark mood.  Emily nodded and held her arms out.  Jay smiled and carefully passed her over.  Emily's breath hitched in her throat the second Gracie adjusted to her arms.

                   Gracie settled for no more than 10 seconds before instantly crying, Emily's face dropped fully and she looked empty as she held her back over to jay. Jay frowned, without even trying to hide it, and accepted their baby back but the second Gracie felt jays touch, she stopped crying which made Emily feel ten times worse.  She wiped a tear away from her face which had escaped unwillingly, "em..." he shook his head.  She shook her head too, "it's okay, she wants you" she shrugged.  Jay smiled sadly but from the darkness in Emily's eyes, he knew this was going to be a big hurdle in their lives...

Emily watched sadly as Gracie peacefully relaxed into her dads arms, "I'll be back in a second" Emily pulled the covers off her legs. Jay watched in complete heartbreak as Emily strolled over to the bathroom and closed the door behind her, she looked incredibly vulnerable and scared, it killed him knowing that his words aren't going to be enough. He wiped his own tear away as dr Charles smiled sadly from the window. He sighed and threw his head back, he just wishes he could turn back time. Maybe if all of this hadn't happened and Emily had been the first one to hold Gracie, non of this would be happening right now...