Trying to live

Chapter 15 Part II

Hey guys,

sorry for the delay but here is a new chapter for you all :)

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Henry leaned forward, our foreheads touching. "You do, Em. It's just hidden away under all that baggage you're carrying with you and when you'll lose it, you'll see yourself again or the version you want to be. One day, I promise."

I closed my eyes, absorbing the words, this moment of peace. This was my Henry , the one I loved ....the one I wanted. 

Though I knew this wasn't real and Henry wasn't mine, I wanted it to be real. I wanted it to be real so badly. 

"I'm sorry," I said to Henry, even though I wasn't sure why. Deep down in my heart I knew it but I didn't want to acknowledge. I'm sorry, for all the times I thought you weren't enough, for bearing with me, for loving me. I just wanted you to be happy, without the bad things that were happening with me, Henry. 

He backed away but didn't let go of me. Eyes full of confusion and concern were looking at me. "For what?"

A loud sigh was coming from behind us. "Can we stop? What is happening right now? Henry, don't you have a girlfriend? So why are you here having a sentimental moment with your ex? The girl, who doesn't care about anyone but herself? The one, who's never loved you?" Scott asked bored.

Henry stiffened as if he remembered who we were. I didn't let Scott's word get to me, not all of it. I might have done mistakes but I knew the one thing I did was right, was loving someone. I might have not had enough trust in my relationships but that didn't mean that I didn't love the person with all of my heart.

Suddenly Scott said in a cold, indifferent voice, "Let her do what she want. At least that way, we get rid of her, get free from her and she'll leave us alone in peace."

I backed away from Henry, his hands falling to his side as I walked up to Scott. 

"Scott," Henry started but didn't get far as a loud crack resonated in the hall.

"What the hell!" Franny screamed somewhere.

Of course, all of them saw me breaking down. If Henry was there, they would be too. Cam included. I shouldn't care as I stared at my brother's blood - imprinted cheek and his shock visible in his eyes. 

I placed the shard in his hand and closed his other hand over it. "I don't know what happened to you. I don't know why you're saying so much bullshit right now. I didn't know that you hated me so much," I said, breathing heavily, "But maybe it's true what they say - blood relationship aren't strong. It's the heart that connects relations and maybe your heart never felt what my heart felt for you - love."

"And the sad part is, " I smiled through teary eyes sadly at him, "that you did the very thing, you promised not to do to me - make me cry. Take that shard as a reminder that you don't know me at all, that your assumptions of me are loose rumors your girlfriend and some of your so called friends made of me. If that's the version you want to have in your head, then please go on."

I imagined how I gathered my broken pieces from the floor and picked them up. Trying to fit them somewhere, even if I felt like I was drowning - piece by piece. I tried to walk away but stopped and turned around. A few meters separated me from my stunned brother.

I could walk back. I could say sorry. I could become the good sister again. I could do so much more but I was just tired of pretending that I was okay. For once, I wanted him to see how I felt. How he made me feel. A brother wasn't supposed to treat a sister like that. 

"The saddest part Scott is that I should hate you. Hate for whatever you were putting me through, for calling me names, for telling me that I'm not good enough, for always doubting myself but I can't," I said, "and that's the difference between me and you. I would always love you because it's just me."

I shrugged hopelessly and smiled sadly at him. "Maybe I'm too stupid too care so much about you and how you feel but no matter how much you say to me, hate me or hurt me, I'd always love you until I have enough courage to see that you don't do the same for me."

Scott's face softened. "Em-"

But I couldn't stay here. All that would come out of his mouth would be lies. Someone once said that by being in a drunken state, one would tell half truths. After all the cruel things he said to me, how could I believe him?

I turned around, walked the stairs down and began to run. I was running to my room. 

"Em," Scott called after me, followed by a dull sound and grunt. 

He must've fallen down but I didn't care. I couldn't turn around. It was too much. I just wanted peace and quietness, not that I could get that because my brain and heart was full of Scott's venomous words. I felt too much. I felt like I was suffocating.

I opened my door and saw Scott trying to stand up, Henry helping him and Cam standing mere inches away from them. 

Cam looked up and met my eyes. His delicate brown eyes held so much emotion in them that I wanted to run to him. I wanted to be in his arms. I didn't know from where this came but my foot moved by itself and stepped out of the threshold. 

Until Scott's eyes found mine. His eyes,  void of emotions. 

I hate you, Emerson Vermont. 

I flinched. My foot stepped back in my room and with my remaining strength I locked the door. I slid the door down and brought my knees to my chest and rested my head on them. Then I heard the pounding on my door. My name being called but I turned off. 

Eventually the pounding ceased. The whole time, I stared at the wall until I blinked. Mom, really turned this on me. She used her own son to teach me a lesson.

 I faintly remembered her words to me. 

You will never be superior than me. In the end, they all will choose me, Honey.

And Scott did. I knew that he always chose others over me. But did Mom know that her son, my brother carried so much hatred in his heart for me? Were all of our siblings moments not real? Was I the only one, who loved and cared for him in this relation?

I stood up and walked to my bed. I lied down and closed my ears, silent tears falling across my face and my pillow. I thought, I was over it. I thought, if Mom couldn't love me then I shouldn't bother to try anymore. I always tried so much for her to love me. I even thought that if she couldn't love me anymore, I could at least love her. I could carry the love for both of us ...but I was tired and so exhausted. 

All I wanted was to sleep and never wake up. This is what probably everyone wanted but I wasn't like that. I could admit that I was defeated and I gave up but I couldn't do something like that. I couldn't end my life. I don't know if that made me a coward or made me stronger but it didn't matter.

What mattered was that I was all alone. I had no one. Being alive or being dead didn't make a difference because in the end I was still drowning and believed I couldn't be saved. 

Not after I've lost everything. Not after my brother told his truth.