Trying to live

Chapter 3 Part II

Hey wattpaddies!

I am actually really busy and so on and on. But I think, I owe you the chapters. 

*******************

I wasn't alone though. Scott was following me even calling my name sometimes. But I think he realized my not responding to him made it harder for him to stop me.

I entered the library, which was my holy place in school.  I loved the silence, how the library looked like and I loved books. I didn't like the librarian. Mrs. Roth hated me as much as I disliked her. I was welcomed with a weird expression but I didn't pay her enough attention to say a snarky remark laced with the sweetness of my voice.

I walked up to the desk, which was my favorite of all time. The table was set right next to the window and away from any other students. I already marked it as mine and no one took something from Emerson Vermont away. At least, not a desk.

I settled myself on a chair and looked outside. Such a shame that the sun was out, while I was in a sour mood. Not that I liked sunny weather. I was more a fan of rainy weather or cold weather. 

"Em?"

"What?" I asked sharply. Why was he running after me?

He lowered himself on the chair and sighed. "Can we talk?"

"About what? Oh, that I was too harsh back there? Well, I'm sorry, but I told you a long time ago that I don't like it when you and him talk about me. There is nothing to talk about!" I said, throwing my hands in the air.

Of course, Mrs. Roth had to make her entrance right now. As if she didn't hate me enough, she as sure did now. "Shush! This is a library, young lady." She said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

I wouldn't have said anything back, but I was mad. My heart was beating too fast and my hands were clammy. So I snapped. "You know what, lady, maybe you should 'shush' yourself, because I've lowered my voice, which we can't say about him, " I said, pointing at a stunned Scott. "Why don't you silence him, huh? Because he's attractive? Is he attractive for you? He is-"

"Young lady! How dare you!" She interrupted me, her round face turning red like a tomato.

"How dare you? I mean, this is a school library and of course I love this place, but this is no real library!" I panted hard after I said that.

Mrs. Roth had a hurt expression hurt on her face like I wounded her. And I did wound her by indicating that her job wasn't real. I felt guilty for that but more than that I felt frustrated. I felt like my heart was going to burst out and I had no idea how to stop my stupid unstable breathing.

I knew that the round face, round body librarian wanted to say something back, maybe even wanted to send me to Principal Richardson, but of course my beloved brother stepped in. Again. He said some soothing word to her, her face was still red, before he turned to me as she walked back to her desk.

I thought he would say something. Something like I should think before I say something, that I don't see that my words can hurt someone or that I'm selfish and just think about me. I heard all of that last year and accepted it. I painted myself as a selfish, egoistic, materialistic witch, letting it become my facade, my new mask. 

But he didn't. Scott walked up to me and encircled me in a hug. "It's okay, Em. I know, you're not fine but remember I'll always be there for you."

I stiffened. He knew I wasn't okay. He knew that mom's accident hit me as hard as him and still we tried to cover up our emotions. But there was still something that held us apart. "And still you didn't forgive me." I said softly in his shirt.

"I didn't leak those pictures of her. But I guess, Franny needed a culprit and I was the right person after everything I did," I continued, my hands itching to hug him back.

But I just couldn't. It wasn't that I didn't love my brother. It was just that I couldn't trust him fully. Not when there was so much unsaid and not when he let me down.

"Em, I would -"

"What? You would never let someone come between us? But you did it twice," I said, a small laugh escaping my lips as I slowly pushed him away. "You let Franny come between us and the first person you let come between us was Henry."

Henry Avilla, the black haired boy with the emerald green eyes, the Reigning King of LW Prep was Scott's best friend and my ex -boyfriend. I was glad that my voice was indifferent, when I said his name. It wasn't that I loved him, when we broke up but I still felt an emotion rising up in me whenever I said his name or whenever I saw him.

Maybe I didn't let Scott say what he wanted to say, because I continued to talk. But I needed to get this out. "Besides, you can drop the 'I care about you' - thing. I know Grandma set you up for looking after me and I know you're doing this for her. But no worries, I'll tell her that you take care of me like a brother should do."

I took my headphones out of my bag and entangled them before I said my next words, "Scott, maybe you should go back to your friends. I bet they're dying to know what we talked about. You can even tell them you hugged me and didn't die from it," I joked even if I didn't feel like it.

I didn't even look at Scott but I knew he was watching me. I felt his scrutinizing stare and it made me so uncomfortable.

"Why do you think I don't care about you?" He asked quietly after a few seconds of silence.

I looked up to find his grey eyes staring at me. His expression was unreadable. Something he must've learned from Henry. "Isn't it obvious? I am not your priority," I said softly. "You should go."

I put my headphones on, even if I didn't have music on. I thought that Scott would say something, because he didn't go right away as I told him to go back to his friends. But when he walked away I realized he didn't deny what I accused him of.

I felt an emotion in my chest that I couldn't decipher. I knew I was difficult last year and I was annoying. I knew Scott tried his best to make me feel okay in the last weeks of summer before junior year. But suddenly everything changed - I became heartless for them, in their words the biggest bitch on earth. 

Francesca's pictures from hell knows when got leaked and I was the one she could blame since Priya and I already fell apart. Everything fell apart when I came back from that camp.

A little part of me hoped and still hoped that Scott and I would survive the chaos that surrounded me, but it didn't.

I lied my head down on my arms, so tired and exhausted. Suddenly it hit me like a blast, my heart splintering a fraction. I was never Scott's priority. He always chose everyone else over me, his sister. Henry. Franny. Mom. 

And I ...well I would never be his priority. He would never choose me, because all we had shattered when he chose his best friend and his girlfriend over me. I wasn't going on the pity train, because I felt angry. 

But no matter how I angry felt over Scott for not choosing me, I would still love him enough to choose his happiness of leaving me alone over mine.