Trying to live

Chapter 16 Part I

Hello,

after months, I'm returning back to upload a new chapters. A lot has happened - so thank you for all the reads and votes so far. It really makes me happy and appreciated. 

If I will ever reach 1K, I will surely upload the edited versions of the previous chapters and post some new chapters that are still due to be uploaded. I might upload the next chapter this weekend and probably two next week.

So, yeah thank you again. Take care of yourselves and your families. Know that you're one of a kind and I hope all of your wishes will come true :))

Love y'all and happy reads!!!

                                                                  *******************

Summer before junior year 

Dear Diary, 

do you know those people who always fake their lives? Their identities? Pretend their someone else? Behave differently than they are? 

I don't like them at all. 

Why be someone you're not? To please yourself or others?

Okay, seriously. I don't know, why I'm writing about that. I guess, I'm tired and alone. I know, my entries don't make sense but Mrs. Denvers said I should write down my thoughts. She has the feeling that I keep my feelings bottled up.

That's not true.

I just don't like to speak about them. Why should I? They're my feelings.

Anyway, I hope tomorrow is a good day.

Beginning of junior year

Okay, first of all - hi Diary,

Soo, I have to laugh. Why have I written that? 

My answer was I'm tired and alone. I'm still tired but I don't care about the other part. Still, my whole entry from Summer was bullshit. I talk about people who pretend and fake their identity. 

But I am the biggest pretender of them all. I pretended to be perfect, invincible and that nothing could hurt me. I pretended to be the perfect daughter, sister, student, human being, friend or girlfriend while all along I was ....nothing of that. I'm still nothing.

I guess I was just a girl who lied to others and herself. See, THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE.

I was the one, who was faking everything. And I still do the same. I can't tell what happened there at my stay. I guess the only thing that was right in my Summer entry was that I hide my feelings. 

I don't show them.

I bottle them up because I have to deal with them on my own. I can't tell anyone the truth except you. I don't want anyone to find out what I did. 

Better to lose everyone and myself than tell the terrible truth. My truth.

**********************

Two days I stayed. Today counted as my third day where I didn't leave my room.

The first day, I slept with my bloodied hand, dirtying my bedsheets. I know, totally gross but I couldn't care less. And if I thought Mrs. Avilla wouldn't come to me - I was wrong.

At first, I was very suspicious of her coming to my room because Cam knocked and told me, she'd come in. I thought it was his lame excuse to come to me since I closed myself in. He knocked nearly every two hours and asked if he could come in.