Trying to live

Chapter 35

Summer before Junior year 

Dear Diary, 

Maya says that if someone throws mean things at you and its affects you emotionally and mentally, it's abuse and that person doesn't love you and never will.

Mom does things like that. 

But I know she loves me. I know she put me in here because she was fed up of me and wanted to punish me, but I know she loves me. 

She has to love me. 

Maya is lying. She has problems and she thinks if she can hurt another person, she'll feel better but that's not true. Though I do think she gets off on other people's pain. She's troubled. There's something wrong with her but Mrs. Denvers says I'm the only one, who somehow makes Maya happy. She behaves with me, takes her medicine and the doctors see an improvement. 

But ... I want to help. I want to be there for her but at what cost? 

She's hurting me by telling me things that aren't true and still a tiny little part in my heart believes her.  A part of me knows that my mother isn't a good to me.

I just want to go home and forget this place. I want to forget Maya, her words and everything that associates with her but I still have some time left.

I'm scared that I will fall prey for her words and that my heart will believe every single thing she's telling me. 

Because that would just leave me utterly alone and I don't think I'm ready for it.

Beginning of junior year 

Dear Diary,

Maya was right. She was mostly right but I was too naive and dumb to not believe her. No, that's not right. I believed her but my heart couldn't digest the fact that my mother never loved me. 

She never had and never will love me. I'm stupid to think that love was hidden under all the abuse. The things she said to me hurt deeper than any physical wound would. 

Words always cut deeper. 

My mom didn't just hurt me. She took everything from me because I wanted her love. I craved for it and because of this one obsession of mine, I lost everything else. 

I might have done so many mistakes but my mother pulled the trigger for everything to spiral down. 

And because of that I can't ever forgive her. 

*********************

The beep beep of the machine irritated me a lot. I wished I could kick the machine but then I would kill my mother because it was the only thing that kept my mother alive for now. I stared at the lifeless person on the bed with the oxygen mask over her mouth and the various needles sticking to her arms that belonged to the machine. 

My mother's brown hair was flat. Her face was dry and her lips chapped. She had stitches over her left eyebrow. Her right arm was in a cast. 

I arrived at the hospital with an Uber. Then I asked the receptionist where my mom's room was. I took the elevator and when I finally found the room I went in and stood by the door.

I did nothing but stare. 

My hands were clammy and my heart was racing. I couldn't believe that I was here in the hospital. I was finally able to visit my mom but the moment I stepped in her room, I was glued to the spot.