Trying to live

Chapter 25 Part I

Summer before junior year

Dear Diary, 

I love being a cheerleader. But more than that I love being cheer - captain and the responsibilities I get with it. I care about my team and obviously my coach. 

I try to be the best and we are the best. Who am I kidding? We are the champions when it comes to cheerleading. Just take a look at the trophy wall in school. 

Our motto is: work hard, be passionate and cheer up!

I missed being with my teammates. New Haven was like a daycare center just for old people or no people at all but nuisances that created nuisances in others lives. 

Sorry, I got carried away. 

Priya would know how to lighten up my mood. She always knows what to say or to do to make me kind of happy and relaxed. That's why she's best friend. Leah was mean in her own ways but if she sees you struggling, she'd do everything to make the situation better. I was on pretty good terms with her - sometimes we clashed but we always sort out our problems and reconcile for the squad. Juliette was a good vice captain and was passionate about cheering but I'm not really friends with her. We are just friendly colleagues.

I missed practice but I also missed watching Henry practice with his teammates. I would always sneak glances at him and he would catch me and tease me about it later. 

Everyone calls me his lucky charm. Everyone says he wins because of me. Because I believe in him. I don't think so, but he does. 

But why would the person, who calls you their lucky charm not call you when you're far away from each other?

I know, I shouldn't worry so much. 

I know Henry. 

I know, he'd call me, but maybe he's too busy. 

And the nagging feeling I have in my stomach won't stop. It's like something in me, a part in me is so scared that I feel like it eats my stomach. It sounds even weirder.

I am scared.

Of what or for what I don't know. 

The feeling is just there, constantly taking up more and more space in my heart.

I wish that everything goes the way it should and I'll go back to Lakewood, to my home, to my brother, my friends and my boyfriend in no time.

Starting of junior year

Dear Diary, 

I realize that I hate cheerleading.

I got kicked out of the team today but I knew before this that I didn't actually like it. I guess, I just liked the feeling of being perfect.

 But boy, I am not perfect. 

I never was. 

Being cheerleader captain gives you the full power next to dating the most popular and hottest guy in school. Once you reached these two things, you ultimately are the queen of LW Prep. Everyone will fall to their knees because they want to be acknowledged by you and don't want to be on your bad side.

But, guess what? 

I lost both.

Am I sorry?

No. 

Did I deserve it?

I don't know.