Falling (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Tackling

It was weird being in rugby practise with Nick now. Charlie had always felt self-conscious about it—he wasn't very good, and because Nick was the one who had recruited him for the team, he felt like his incompetence reflected badly on Nick.

But now, not only did he not want to embarrass Nick, he was embarrassed himself to let Nick see how badly he played. And, on top of that, he had to be so much more careful where he looked because he didn't want any of the other boys to see who he was facing and think there was something between them. Which was a shame, because Charlie really loved watching Nick play rugby. It was a whole different side of him that never came out anywhere else. He was incredibly hot playing rugby, that was a given, but he was also smart, focused, determined. Charlie found it entrancing.

Or he had found it entrancing. Not anymore. He would avert his eyes from now on. It had been one thing if the boys saw him watching Nick and laughed at him for having an impossible crush on the most beautiful boy on the team. Having them see him watching Nick and start to figure out that somehow, incredibly, that crush was returned? Not going to happen. Not if Charlie could prevent it.

Charlie had come a long way in his rugby skills, but one he had never managed to improve on: tackling. He was physically afraid of being hurt, he shied away from the physical contact, and he had too many memories from last year of being mocked or mistreated every time he came close to touching another boy. As if being gay meant that suddenly every accidental bump of shoulders in the corridor was a come-on.

Watching the runner come toward him today, all of those things built up in him, and while he tried to stand his ground, he couldn't stop himself from dodging at the last minute. He carefully didn't look at Nick after that, but the rest of the team made their displeasure known.

After practise, Coach Singh caught up with him. "You're on cone collection today, Charlie." She patted him on the arm.

That was one thing he could say—Coach Singh expected a lot, but she had never once made him feel like he didn't belong on her team.

She stopped and looked up at him. "You going to be okay for the match at St. John's next week? I'd keep you on reserve for longer, but Kieran has an apparently unavoidable dentist appointment."

"I'll be fine." He didn't convince either of them.

"About the tackling. You've really got to commit to it, okay? Try not to worry about getting hurt and just throw yourself into it." She demonstrated with her shoulder.

"Okay."

"It's all about confidence."

"Well, it's hard to be confident when they all see me as a stereotypical gay boy who can't do sports." Which he kind of was, too, making it even harder to shake their impression.

"A lot of gay people are good at sports, Charlie." She left him there, and he kicked a cone in frustration.

He was alone on the pitch now, so he took the moment to practise with the tackling dummies until he felt more confident in his skills.

When he turned round, he saw a familiar figure coming toward him across the pitch. Nick was still in his rugby gear. "Hey. You okay?"

"Yeah."

"I just saw you hadn't come in to change, and I wanted to check."

"Just ... practising the tackling. I'm sorry I'm no good at this."

"Hey." Nick put a hand on his shoulder, looking at him seriously. "Stop saying sorry for things that aren't your fault. The rest of us have been playing for years. We've had a long time to get used to tackling. Come over my house, we'll practise in my yard, okay?"

Charlie smiled. "Okay."

It sounded like a good plan, but the first time Charlie successfully tackled Nick—which took a while, because Nick wasn't going easy on him and Nick was very good at rugby—they lay there in that awkward position with Charlie sprawled half on top of Nick and then scrambled hastily to their feet.

"Okay, that was weird," Nick said.

"It's always been a little weird," Charlie told him.

"Oh. Oh! Really?"

"Yeah. Have you seen yourself?" Charlie blushed and looked away, adding shyly, "It was pretty much crush at first sight."

Now Nick was the one blushing. "I'm just normal."

"Hardly."

Nick cleared his throat. "So, uh, do you want to try again?"

Charlie didn't, especially, but he did need the practise. This time, he landed almost entirely on top of Nick, and the combination of being so close to one another, breathing heavily from exertion, and being two teenagers with crushes on each other meant a lot of kissing.

At last they separated and Nick got to his feet. "That's a whole new rugby strategy. I wouldn't try it at St. John's, though."

"I feel like half the team expects that's what I'm thinking about any time I tackle them, anyway."

Nick frowned. "I never thought of it like that. They do make some unkind remarks, don't they. I'm sorry."

"What did you tell me about apologising for things that aren't your fault?"

"I know, but I'm the one who brought you onto the team."

"And I'm the one who can't play and is constantly embarrassing you."

Nick caught him by the shoulders. "You are not. You've worked incredibly hard to catch up. It's only the tackling, and that's the hardest part."

"I know." It was a lie; he thought Nick was just being nice. "But ... you're the one who brought me onto the team, and if I don't do well, the others are going to hassle you."

Nick's brown eyes studied his face. "You're not seriously worried about that, are you? I can handle them. I brought some of them onto the team, too, last year and the year before, and they didn't work half as hard to catch up as you have. Don't worry about me." He wrapped his arms tightly around Charlie, holding on.

This was a Nick specialty, this hug, where his whole body was basically enveloping you, and he was holding you like you were the most important person in the world. Charlie felt like he could just drown in this hug, feeling so warm and safe.

He wasn't sure if he had gained more confidence in his tackling skills today, but he'd gained some in himself and in Nick, and that helped.