Falling (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Question

Charlie and Tao were walking toward the gate Monday morning when suddenly someone came barrelling past, knocking Tao into Charlie.

"Watch out, dicknozzle!"

Harry. Of course it was Harry. Charlie would have kept walking, but Tao stopped and faced him. "If you want my attention that badly, why don't you just throw something at me again? Like your last remaining brain cell?"

All the other rugby lads laughed at that, while Harry frowned and scrambled for a good comeback. Charlie couldn't help smiling, seeing all Harry's toughness fade away when someone fought back. "Wow," he said as he and Tao walked away. "I think you hurt his feelings."

"Good."

They were passing Nick, sitting at the table with Imogen. Nick ducked his head as Charlie passed, avoiding his eyes. Last week, Charlie would have been jealous of Imogen, but now he felt more guilty about letting Tao continue this thing with Harry, which was clearly bothering Nick.

In form, he asked, "Should I tell Tao to lay off? I don't want him to make things worse for you."

"What? No. Harry deserves what he gets," Nick said. "I just don't want Tao to get in over his head."

"Me neither."

They took Nellie to the park that afternoon. Once they'd worn her out chasing sticks, they put down a blanket and lay down on it, just enjoying the afternoon and being together. Most of the time they never ran out of things to talk about—words flew out of Nick like he'd been holding them back for years, which maybe he had. But sometimes it was just as good to be quiet together.

Charlie looked up at the sky, listening to Nick's breathing next to him, the breeze ruffling the leaves. He could stay here forever, he thought.

After a while, Nick turned to him. "I had a question."

"Yeah?"

"I just wondered, like ... how did you realise you were gay?"

"Oh." That question. The question. Charlie tried to think how to put it into words. With anyone else, he might have brushed it off, but if anything he said could help Nick figure himself out, he wanted that. He didn't have much, though. It had always just been ... who he was. "Uh ... I guess I've always been sort of aware of it. Even when I was really young. I didn't understand it at the time, but ... it's always been boys." He smiled. "I'm guessing you didn't feel the same when you were little."

Nick had looked away, not having gotten the answers he was looking for from Charlie, it seemed. Now he turned his head back. "Well ... no. I don't know ... what I am."

That was hard for him to admit, Charlie could see, and he wished he had more advice, more of anything that could help. All he really had was reassurance. "You don't have to figure it out right now. I didn't just wake up one day like, 'oh, look, guess I'm gay now'."

Nick laughed, rolling his head back and closing his eyes. "Well ... I'm sorry for being all confused."

"I thought I was the one who said sorry too much."

"Oi!" Nick frowned at him good-naturedly.

Wanting to cheer him up a bit, Charlie lifted his head, looking round to make sure they were alone, then reached out, twining his fingers with Nick's, thrilling at how easily, how willingly, Nick responded to his touch. "Do you ... want to kiss?" Charlie asked in his most flirty voice. "Would that help?"

Nick looked at him, his eyes warm. "Wow."

"Just a suggestion."

"Wo-ow."

"Well, if you're not interested, then—" Charlie started to sit up, but, as he had hoped, Nick grasped his sleeve and his other hand and pulled him back down.

"Okay. Hang on. It's a good suggestion." They were leaning on their elbows now, facing each other, Nick's eyes closing as he leaned in.

Then from across the park came a sound, dogs barking, and Nick sat up abruptly, his whole body tensing. Then it relaxed, and he dropped his head, closing his eyes. Charlie hated to see him so upset with himself for something he couldn't help.

"Sorry," Nick said softly.

"Don't be sorry."

Nick looked at him for reassurance and Charlie smiled, but it wasn't enough.

The moment was broken. Charlie felt bad for pushing Nick to kiss him in public—if he hadn't done that, they might still be lying there together, so peaceful and content.

"I just ..." Nick struggled for the words. "I feel like— I feel like Ben. Hiding, and making you pretend, and—"

"This isn't like that," Charlie told him.

"You say that, but it is."

"It isn't." He searched for his own words, trying to make it clear how different the two of them were. Nick made him feel cared for and appreciated and valued all the time. Ben never had. Not even once. "Ben wouldn't have—he wouldn't have been here with me in the first place. He kept me at arm's length, never let me in. Didn't care what I thought or who I was. Does that sound like you?"

"No," Nick admitted after a moment.

"Because it isn't. You're nothing like him, I promise you that. Don't compare yourself to him again." He reached for Nick's hand. "Please don't."

Nick said "Okay," but Charlie could feel that he wasn't convinced.

He couldn't help feeling like this was his fault. Why couldn't he find a way to help Nick through this? Or ... step back for a bit and give Nick some space to clear his head? Instead, here he was constantly asking Nick to push his boundaries.

Sighing, he helped Nick fold the blanket, wishing somehow he knew a way to make things better.