Falling (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Avoiding

Charlie was as late to form as he dared to be the next morning, responding to Nick's "hi" faintly, and his "You okay?" with an even fainter "Fine."

It was Tao he wanted to see, but Tao hadn't been around before school. And when Charlie came into maths, Tao kept his face turned away.

"I heard Harry got suspended for fighting. So ... that's good," Charlie said, hoping to get a response, but there was nothing.

Isaac looked up from his book. "He said he doesn't want to talk to you."

Charlie hung his head. He really did just ruin everything, didn't he?

Their maths teacher came down the rows passing out workbooks, and reminded them that the Truham-Higgs sports day was coming up at the end of the week. Charlie had entirely forgotten. Not that he cared particularly, but it was nice to have a day off from classes occasionally.

Still hoping for a response from Tao, he said, "We could all do the javelin again, like last year."

"You're on the rugby team." Tao's voice was expressionless.

"What? So?"

"The rugby team always do the Sports Day rugby match." Isaac glanced at him. "So, I don't think we can do the same event this year."

Charlie had completely forgotten. Rugby. With Nick. And all the others.

He couldn't.

As he left class, he ran unexpectedly into Nick in the corridor. Being near him was like suddenly coming up for air after having been underwater. He could breathe again, seeing Nick's smile, hearing his voice.

"Did you want to get lunch together?" Nick asked, stepping closer, his voice dropping in a way that always made Charlie's heart speed up.

"Um ..." Charlie could feel the icy water closing over his head again as he tried to work up the courage to agree, to meet for lunch to end things once and for all. But he couldn't. "I can't," he said finally. "Sorry."

He left Nick standing there and went straight to Coach Singh's office. He might not be able to do the right thing about them, not today, but he could end this rugby mess. Now he knew that he should never have accepted the invitation to join the team in the first place. If he hadn't, maybe none of this would have happened, and Nick could have gone on being happy.

Coach Singh smiled at him as he came in. "Charlie! How's it going?"

"Um ... I think I'm going to quit the rugby team."

"Why?"

"I just don't think rugby's for me."

She frowned. "Have the boys been giving you a hard time? Do I need to talk to anyone?"

"No. It's just me."

He didn't give her a chance to argue—she knew he didn't fit the team as well as he did, anyway, so she would only have been trying to be polite if she had.

At lunch, he hid in the art room. He couldn't go on like this, avoiding Nick and being avoided by Tao, but he didn't know what else to do. Breaking up with Nick in person was ... impossible, and breaking up with him by text was unfair to him, and staying with him would only make things worse for him. And Tao had every right to be angry. Charlie wished he knew how to make things up to him, to promise to be a better friend.

After another couple of days of the same misery, Nick finally broke their text silence the night before Sports Day. "Charlie what's going on? Please talk to me," with a heart emoji.

Charlie wished he could. He lay there with his phone in his hands, trying to find a way to say what needed to be said, but all he could think to type was "i'm sorry," and no productive conversation with Nick ever started with those words.

He put his phone down and rolled over, pulling the covers up over his head. He wanted—he wanted to be in Nick's arms again, feeling so safe and warm and cared for. He wanted their peaceful afternoons playing video games and watching movies and even just doing homework together. He wanted their kisses, and their long conversations about nothing, and their smiles in the corridor, and the look in Nick's eyes, and their walks with Nellie, and—all of it. He just wanted Nick. So much.

But that was the problem, wasn't it? Nick had tried so hard to be what Charlie wanted him to be, and in the process he had lost ... everything. Charlie had taken the smiling, cheerful, popular boy he'd met at the start of term and cost him his friends and his happiness, and left him crying in form, bruised from fighting. That was what Charlie Spring did to the people who cared for him. The kindest thing he could do for Nick now was to break it off, and hope that without him Nick could regain his life.

If only he could figure out how to do it.

He tried to be quick about picking up his bib for Sports Day so he wouldn't risk running into Nick, but he wasn't fast enough. Even if he hadn't recognised Nick's walk, he would have known he was there by the electric buzz across his skin. How had he never noticed that when Nick was in the room, everything seemed brighter, clearer? Why was he only realising this feeling now, when he couldn't have it anymore?

Nick stopped as their eyes met across the room. He was so beautiful he took Charlie's breath away.

His courage failing him again, Charlie turned hastily and left the room. Maybe if he avoided Nick long enough, they wouldn't have to break up. They could simply ... cease to be, as if nothing had ever happened. Because Charlie couldn't seem to find the strength to end things any other way.