Falling (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

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The last thing Charlie wanted today was to have to fake a smile and participate in Sports Day. So he did what he always did when he wanted to be forgotten—he went to the art room.

"Mr. Ajayi."

The art teacher looked up at him in the midst of clearing stacks of papers off one of the tables. "Charlie. There aren't any Sports Day events going on in the Art block. You'd better not be about to ask me if you can stay in here all afternoon."

Since that was exactly what Charlie had been intending to ask, he stayed silent.

Mr. Ajayi stopped moving and turned to Charlie, crossing his arms over his chest as he studied him. "You've been coming in here for lunch a lot recently. We having a repeat of last year?" When Charlie didn't answer—because no, they weren't, but yes, they were—he continued, "Isolating yourself, not talking to anyone?"

"No," Charlie said. But of course, that was exactly what he was doing. He hadn't spoken to Nick in days, Tao wasn't speaking to him, he hadn't texted Isaac or Elle to tell them what was going on. After that one outburst, he hadn't even tried talking to Tori.

It was clear Mr. Ajayi understood everything he wasn't saying. "All right, I'm not going to make you go because I'm a nice teacher. And when I was at school, I thought that hiding from it all was safer. Easier. But sometimes the loneliness was just as bad." He took a step closer, and Charlie could hear in his voice that what he said came from his own experience. "Don't let anyone make you disappear, Charlie. Hmm?"

And he left Charlie standing alone in the art room, thinking about that, about why his answer was always to pull away, to shrink down within himself and just not be noticed. Last year, that had been the way—to disarm the bullies, to hide until they forgot about him. But he'd met Elle, and they had noticed each other. And what had Elle done this term? She had faced a whole new school, and made really good friends. And she had shared her friends with Charlie—and with Nick. She wasn't hiding. Isaac lived in his books, but he didn't hide in them. He was constantly looking over the top of his books and seeing things that no one else saw. And he was always supportive.

Tao hadn't hidden, either. Instead, he had put himself between Charlie and Harry, drawing Harry's attention away from Charlie, no matter what it had cost him.

And Nick ... Nick could never hide himself. He was too open, too honest, too trusting of everyone around him. The way he had looked at Charlie, even in public, from ... well, even before they got together. Taking chances to hold his hand, coming out to Tara and Darcy, and setting up their first date. Charlie hadn't asked him to do that. Nick had done that himself, because he'd wanted to.

Charlie had worried a lot more about secrecy than Nick had, and he realised suddenly that it hadn't been all because Nick had asked him to. It had been just as much because Charlie was afraid. Afraid of being noticed, afraid of letting the world see who he really was ... and for what? Because they might make fun of him? The people who mattered never would, and those were the people Charlie was hiding himself from.

Well, not today, he decided. Today he was going to Sports Day, and he was going to have fun with his friends and try to make it up to Tao and Elle and Isaac. And then, later, he would think about Nick.

As it happened, Charlie came out of the school right behind Tao and Elle just as Tao was being assigned to run a race by Coach Singh. She refused to listen to his protests that he couldn't run, and walked off, leaving Tao looking distressed.

Well, Tao might not be able to run ... but Charlie could. "Swap bibs with me."

"What? Why?"

"You hate running. I'll run it for you."

"Thanks." They exchanged bibs, Charlie's red for Tao's blue.

"It's fine. I'm just ... I'm just sorry. Sorry for everything."

The race was called before he could say more, and he walked to the starting line. Right past Ben, who said, "You obsessed with me or something?"

Since Charlie hadn't spared a thought for Ben in days, he ignored the comment, getting into his starting position.

Both of them ran flat out the entire two hundred meters, but Charlie pulled ahead with relative ease. He was still standing, hardly even winded, at the end of the race, while Ben was collapsed on the grass.

Charlie walked over to him while he lay there. It was time to finish this, once and for all, to exorcise Ben from his life for the last time. "You don't get to have an opinion about anything I do."

Ben sat up on his elbows, frowning. "Do you want me to go around telling people about you and Nick?"

"Do you want me to go around telling people about me and you?" Charlie countered. Ben was silent. "That's what I thought. Except, I wouldn't do that because I'm a decent person. I understand that you're figuring out your sexuality, but you don't get to make me feel like crap anymore just because you hate yourself. So leave me alone." He bent over, speaking loudly and clearly, to make sure the point got across. "Just leave me alone."

He walked off and left him there. The time when he had been flattered by Ben's attention and confused it with real emotion was past, now. It was behind him.

Halfway across the field, Tao met him.

"I'm so sorry—" Charlie began.

"No, I'm sorry."

"I should have been a better friend—"

"I shouldn't have gotten angry at you." Tao reached for Charlie and hugged him. "I made it so hard for you to tell me."

Charlie hugged him back. "I should have been looking out for you as much as you were looking out for me."

They held each other there in the middle of the field, neither caring who saw them or what they thought. That was the beauty of Tao, Charlie thought. He was who he was ... and he knew the people who mattered loved him for it.

They broke apart, smiling at each other. "Maybe we can have a movie night on Saturday?" Charlie asked.

It was the right thing to say. Tao's smile lit up his whole face. "Yeah. I have a really long list of movies I need you to force you to watch."

"I'm probably going to hate most of them."

"I know." They both laughed. "Me and Elle were going to go exploring round all her old classrooms. Want to come?"

"Nah. You go; I'll be fine." He wanted to stay out here in the sunshine and actually do Sports Day for once. And he wanted Tao and Elle to have the chance to find each other and be happy.

So they went, and Charlie caught up with Isaac, holding his book and cheering him on as he did the javelin event. The two of them spent the rest of the afternoon together, talking a little, watching the events, while Isaac read bits of his book out loud to Charlie, and Charlie pretended he wasn't trying not to look for Nick and failing completely.