Falling (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Damage

For the first time since he'd gotten together with Nick, Charlie didn't want to go to school in the morning. He strongly considered feigning sickness, and only a looming test with a teacher who wasn't fond of rescheduling for absences convinced him to go. He put his headphones on to avoid talking to Tori on the bus, and tried not to think about what he would say to Nick. He might just skip form and go to the art room, he thought. Yesterday hadn't been Nick's fault, but it had felt worse because it happened in front of him, and Charlie didn't think he wanted any more empty apologies.

Tori went off to Higgs, giving him a sympathetic look as she did so. Charlie turned in toward Truham, walking past Nick's mates clustered around the table at the gate. Only about half the usual crowd was there this morning, and Nick wasn't among them.

Harry was, though. "Looking for your boyfriend?" he called.

Charlie turned to look at him. He was sporting a cut and swollen lip.

"I know I'm attractive, mate. There's no need to stare."

"What happened to you?" Charlie asked.

"Ask Nick Nelson. He's got some serious anger issues."

"Did you have a fight?" His gentle, caring Nick, in a fight? Charlie had a hard time picturing that.

"He just can't seem to take a joke anymore." Harry sounded genuinely bewildered. "Like, you know I was only joking at the cinema, don't you? Yet he starts a fight when I've done nothing wrong."

Tao came rushing up to them just then. "What's going on? You okay?"

"It's fine. Let's just go."

But Harry stepped up to Tao before he could go on. "You all right, mate? You want to fight, too?"

"You clearly didn't get hugged much as a child, but if you're craving human contact that badly, you could just say so."

"Tao," Charlie said, before things could escalate. "Just leave it. Everything's fine."

"Yeah, maybe listen to your boyfriend. At least he knows his place."

Charlie turned and left them both. From wanting to avoid Nick, now he needed to see him, to find out what exactly had happened between him and Harry. He made his way purposefully through the corridors, worried about what Nick must look like if Harry looked that bad.

At first sight, Nick looked fine, and Charlie could believe Harry must be lying, but when Nick turned toward Charlie, his right eye was blackened. Charlie pointed at it, upset by the sight of it and what it meant. "What happened?"

"Oh. Uh ..." Nick dropped his gaze, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "Yeah. I kind of got into a fight. With Harry. After you left, and I went back to the group, he ... he started saying some ... things about you. I just lost it." He hesitated, then finished. "And punched him, and ... yeah."

Charlie couldn't believe it. Nick, one of the gentlest, kindest, most thoughtful people he knew, punching someone ... because of him. "Nick," he said in distress, feeling tears sting the back of his eyes. "You didn't have to do that. I promise, I'm used to people saying stuff about me."

"No, but you shouldn't have to be! People shouldn't be saying stuff about you in the first place. You shouldn't have to put up with anything like that."

"I'm sorry," Charlie whispered, meaning not just the fight, but dragging Nick into all this, and ... everything that had happened.

"No," Nick said firmly. There was an anger in his tone that Charlie had rarely heard, and never directed at him. "You're not allowed to say the 's' word." After a moment, Nick said more softly, "I don't even want to be friends with those people anymore."

"I don't expect you to dump your friends for me," Charlie protested. "Some of the rugby boys are nice."

"Even they just ... stood there. I'm tired of all of them." Then, in the middle of form, Nick bent his head and laid it on Charlie's shoulder. Charlie heard him sniff. Nick was crying.

This was what Charlie had done. He'd taken the most cheerful, good-natured, even-tempered, nicest guy he'd ever met and made him miserable, turned him against all his friends, gotten him into a fight with one of them, and now he'd made him cry in the middle of school.

Even as he rested his head against Nick's, smelling Nick's familiar scent, he knew somehow he would have to make this right. And the only way to do that would be to end this thing between them, and hope the damage he'd done to Nick's life wasn't permanent.

Charlie hid in the art room that day for lunch, looking at what he had packed and knowing there was no chance he could stomach it today. He found his usual corner, leaning his head back, and tried to work up the courage he was going to need to tell Nick they couldn't be together any longer.

That night, he tried to text Nick. It was so difficult, because the last text in the thread was from Nick. So many hearts. Charlie didn't want that to end, but ... it had to. Before things got any worse.

He started with "i need to talk to you", but that wasn't right. Then "i'm so sorry, it's my fault you got into that fight". But any text that started with 'sorry' wasn't going to get anywhere with Nick. Then he tried, "are you sure you want us to be together", but he knew what Nick, always generous, would say to that. And, really, he couldn't do this over text. He had to talk to Nick in person, hard as that would be.

Finally, he sent "can we meet for lunch tomorrow?"

Nick replied immediately: "Yeah of course!! You ok?"

But Charlie wasn't okay, and he couldn't pretend to be, not even over text. He put his phone down and rolled over and hid himself in sleep as best he could.