Hiraeth

04

THE wedding was held at the back lawns of their house and was a rather intimate affair. It happened in the presence of a very close knitted guest list. 

Sitara sat at one end of the flower curtain, clad in a sober pink lehenga and heirloom jewelleries, that Rehaan's mother had very adoringly handed her.  

"Women like you are never worthy of becoming wives. You have insulted the sanctity of marriage. I pity myself for having married my son to you. You will never see happiness, Sitara. You don't deserve any."

Her eyes were down casted under the veil. She could hear the proceedings begin but instead of feeling nervous or tensed, she was numb. A plethora of emotions hit her, making her succumb to her mind. 

She could vividly remember the last time she had seen herself in this position. She was scared but also hopeful. She was a woman with dreams and ambitions, who still possessed that twinkle in her eyes. She didn't know what her first marriage would have held, but she was never being a pessimist.

The last time she had given herself away into a marriage for someone else's happiness, she had lost her own. Even the slight thought of this one becoming anything like that had sent shivers down her spine.

He was wearing a simple white kurta. They were very toned down for an occasion so big and Sitara was glad. She could've barely handled a fancy one. The quiet demeanour of everything resonated well with her mental state. 

Her hands shook when she was asked for her consent. A lump formed in her throat as she vividly recalled Asad's face. His words, his actions and the scars that he had left to her wouldn't leave her till this day. She so badly wanted to see this as a new beginning but the past had held her by neck, strangling her soul into doom.

"Qubool hai." She shut her eyes, breaking into bitter sobs as she finished. A few women gently held her, whispering words of comfort into her ears but Sitara was inconsolable.

"Beti ho tum meri aaj se." Rehaan's mother embraced her, wiping the tears down her pale cheeks. Sitara could recall her own mother. The ailing woman had died of a broken heart days after her divorce case. To call her a daughter was a disgrace.

_

The door knob twisted open with a faint click, making Sitara flinch on the bed. She ran a hand on her face, wiping away her tears.

Rehaan entered the dimly lit room with great hesitance, sideways gazing at that woman sitting on his bed. Her wedding lehenga was spread out in a bridal manner but she had undid the veil herself, clearly indicating that she was into none of that nonsense that was usually expected.

Her cheeks and nose were red and eyes remained watery as she now looked up at her husband standing at the doorframe, clearly in a very awkward state.

Her heart pounded terribly in her chest as she saw him slowly walking towards his side of the bed and sit at that other end in complete silence. She brought her hands and feet closer to herself, hugging them in quietude.

"I will never expect a wife in you." He whispered, breaking Sitara's trail of thoughts. She didn't lift or avert her gaze at him but she was listening.

"You're only my Ayla's mother." She wasn't sure but at some point, she felt his voice break but he cleared his throat.

It took a mountain of strength in him to tell her that. It was equivalent to feeling  thousands of knives twist in his heart as he recalled her.

The way her cheeks had flushed when she had shyly told him that she was pregnant. The way she would wake him up at nights, holding his hand against her bump so he wouldn't miss their baby's kicks. Her tired and tear filled eyes, but the beautiful smile on her lips when she had held Ayla for the very first time after a very difficult delivery. The deep adoration on her features, when she had pointed out that their daughter had his eyes.

He would've surely hurt that mother today. Guilt filled his chest as his gaze fell on Sitara. He felt pathetic and unforgivable. 

Sitara got up, opening the windows to let some air in. That room had been suffocating the life out of her.

She couldn't tell if her decision was right. She'd look around and everything seemed to be doused in luxury. She could finally give Abeer the life she had always thought of. She no more would have to sleep with the fear of their lives looming up her head.

But despite all of this, she felt that she had lost. 

She knew that it was mutually done but she found herself more at the selfish end. Her fears had pushed her this far, to somewhere she had promised herself to never come.

Heat rushed up her cheeks as she felt him stroke her soft hands. The feeling of his calloused ones against hers caused a weird tingle in her heart.

He brought her face closer to his, looking into them with so much love. Sitara looked down, feeling embarrassed but he held her face with the both of his hands.

"Asad, please." She slightly giggled, pushing them away but his grip was firmer than the last time.

"When I initiate something..." He whispered lovingly into her ears, making her beautiful lips form into a smile as she heard his soft whispers.

"I expect you to give me what I'm asking for." His grip shifted towards her locks, holding them together in a painful conduct, making her expressions shift into a state of horror. 

She winced and an eerie smile made its way on his face. 

He left her hair with a jolt, making her fall against the headboard. Sitara's blood ran cold as she glanced at the man who was more than fine just a few moments ago. The change in his demeanour was beyond her comprehension.

She couldn't sleep the entire night. She would hesitantly glance at his sleeping figure beside her from time to time, praying that he doesn't wake up. He was beginning to frighten her.

Her wedding night had turned into a night of dread and Sitara had no clue about the marriage going only worse from this point. It marked the beginning of those four years that she had spent away in fear and unease.

She glance at Rehaan who was still seated there. He had his head hung low as he fiddled with the ends of his kurta. 

He had shown no signs of making her uncomfortable but Sitara couldn't bring herself to share a space so intimate with him. Everything about this very moment was reminding her of things that she had buried in the deepest ends of herself.

But it was too late. She had already fallen prey to it. She could only wish and hope that her new life would never be as troubled as her last. 

She couldn't tell Rehaan that she had lost trust in everything and she would never feel secure enough in his sole presence. The fear of him turning into an Asad would always run in the back of her mind.