Hiraeth

10

SHE could feel him awkwardly keep his hand on the small of her back as they smiled for a picture. The warmth of his palm radiated through her bare skin, making her dart her gaze at his way. He had moved his eyes on someone with whom he had been having a conversation before.

The dinner party had been quite uneventful for her. She couldn't understand why the men were so keen on bringing their wives along, when they'd be involving themselves in nothing but superficial conversations with each other.

Sitara drank her coke in silence, observing the crowd before her eyes fade into a meaningless haze. She could no longer make sure of the people or what they had being doing all along.

She had eaten very little as she felt unexplainably full or perhaps had lost her appetite, she couldn't tell between the two.

He hadn't bothered to check on her again, leaving her in the sea of other women who seemed to have been knowing each other for ages and had their own conversations going on, involving their recent trips and charities.

As someone who had never been in a circle like that ever before, she felt distant and left out. It was the self awareness within her that had been tying her down from participating in those talks. She knew that she didn't even stand a chance among people like them, who were the daughters of the named and had also accomplished greater things in their lives. She had nothing to flaunt.

But that didn't sadden her. She had only grown downhearted upon the thought of her incomplete law degree. When she saw those women passionately talk about their work, Sitara couldn't help but go back to the times when she had dreamt of becoming a lawyer.

She had to give up on that ambition along with many others after her marriage, but that void always remained in heart. As a person, she felt incomplete and without a purpose.

It was after another half an hour when her husband had finally looked towards her, silently ushering her that she should be leaving.

As they were walking beside each other in the hotel's vivaciously lit lawns, she managed to take in a sharp breath as the cold midnight winds hit her body. She had grown very much prone to catching a cold after her pregnancy and would often be fearful of falling under such instances.

"It's so cold." It was an inaudible whisper. She was sure that nobody apart from her could have heard it but the moment when she saw him remove his blazer, her doe eyes stared into his in nothing but astonishment.

"I'll manage." She mumbled, refusing him. His hand that held that blazer was still near hers, in a way convincing her to take it.

"I was anyways about to remove it."

Sitara didn't look into those eyes anymore as she hung his blazer close to her shoulders. Her nostrils hit with that familiar whiff of his cologne that she'd often come across when sleeping beside him at night. 

To have it around her felt weirdly intimate. 

It was overwhelming at one point when she realised that she had never really felt this before. No one had really ever made an effort for her. No matter how small it was, the truth was that she had never known what it was like to be cared for. 

He sometimes did things for her in a way where it barely mattered to him. It was almost like he had done this all his life irrespective of the person in front of him. He genuinely had it in him. 

But for her, it unfortunately wasn't the same. It always moved her in a way which she couldn't comprehend. All of it had began to mean a lot more to her than it should have.

Because Sitara Azhar had never experienced care. She didn't know how it felt like to be protected. She had always been the one to look after herself. 

It was hard to guard herself from those emotions. No matter how stoic she had tamed herself to be, a part of her softened up at these bare minimals. She pitied herself and her immensely deprived soul that could never find a sense of comfort or solace ever in life.

"You can keep it." It was difficult to deprive herself of all that warmth and scent but she knew that it wasn't her place. She couldn't let herself dwell away into things that held false hopes. The way her heart, mind and body had began to react to them would made her feel pathetic. 

She returned him the blazer, not bothering to look at him again. She didn't want to know if he felt offended or he was alright, if he had the slightest tinge of concern in his eyes or if they were dead as always. 

They stood in complete silence while the valet brought their car. She knew that she had to rest her head before her mind would erupt. The evening had brought her nothing but miserable thoughts and desolated happenings. 

-

"Uff, kitna sochti ho tum?" Her aunt sighed, shaking her head in amusement. She had felt at peace, looking at her niece finally settling down. 

"I feel scared, maa. My heart still grows restless." She had addressed the woman as her mother ever since she had lost her own during a time in her life when she had needed her the most.

She had come to visit her for the first time after her marriage. Looking around that old flat where she had spent those difficult months following Abeer's birth would initiate a bittersweet feeling in her. Every nook and corner of the house had a small memory of her son's childhood attached with it but with them, came a few more that she had wanted to badly forget.

She hadn't told her that Asad had come looking for Abeer and how Rehaan had ended up involving himself in a fight with him. It was too much of mental agony for the old woman to tolerate. 

"I'm happy, Sitara. Your mother would be too." Her eyes had welled up as she ran her hands into her hair, caressing her tresses with affection and watched her stare into her lap in silence.

The marriage was being treated as an accomplishment by everyone. It scared her more. The fear of things going bad was immense. The pressure would eat Sitara alive one day.

"And if he ever..." She has paused, looking into the woman's eyes as she had been listening to her with a baited breath.

"If he ever turns out like him, will you be there for me?" Her voice almost broke as she finished her sentence, with both hope and helplessness clouding her eyes.

Her aunt took in a slow breath, worriedly glancing at her. Sitara could never recover from the damage that her previous marriage had caused her. She had began to search for an Asad everywhere, in every man. 

"Child, why would you even think about something like that?" She whispered, holding her hands gently into hers and pleaded her with her eyes to never do that to herself again.

Sitara's heart sank as she found her answer.