Hiraeth

11

trigger warning: mention of abuse.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" The softness in her eyes was evident as she looked at him pressing the bridge of his nose, irritatedly glancing at the pile of paperwork scattered all over the coffee table.

It was almost three in the morning and Sitara couldn't sleep, despite her delicate health. Asad's work related stress would never let her be at peace for some reason. 

"No, Sitara. I'm doomed." The vulnerability in his form that was otherwise very rare to see had taken a front seat that night, making her heart surround itself in a sea of pain. 

"It's okay, Asad. We'll figure something out. Hmm?" She had tried to give him the comfort that he was longing for. Her hands travelled all the way across his back, caressing it as he closed his eyes and his body shook in sobs.

He brought his face closer to her lap, slowly touching her bump. His mind clouded with uncountable instances where she had asked him to feel their baby's movements but he had blatantly refused. His hate for her was beginning to ignite a sense of shame in his heart.

He didn't know how his baby or wife would survive when he'd be gone far away, locked up behind the bars for that case of money laundering that he had been framed in. 

"Always tell him that his father loves him." He had closed his eyes, softly kissing her abdomen as he could feel a lump forming in his throat. He was beginning to feel for his child at a time that was so unfortunate. 

"We don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet." Sitara had smilingly whispered. 

"It has to be a boy, Sitara." 

Her face ran pale as she realised that he had come back to his old antics. They had argued over it for so long and despite him forcing her for going through those illegal gender screenings, she had stood by her decision of not doing them. 

"It's not in our hands." She tried freeing herself away from his hold but instead found him tightening it, making her wince. 

"Just because I've cried in front of you, it doesn't mean that I have grown weak or I'll be tolerating this nonsense of yours." He hissed, pressing his body to hers, making her shudder in fear as she tried pushing him away.

"Asad, it's hurting." Tears formed in her eyes, making him glance at her in hate and disgust. He had only come down to realise that she wouldn't change and it was futile to even expect things from her.

"Tell me, Sitara. Is it so hard for you to obey your husband?" He whispered, bringing his face closer to hers and feeling a sense of satisfaction run down his veins as a look of horror had tinted her big brown eyes.

"When I told you to go for the screening why didn't you? It had costed me more than a fortune for arranging." 

He pushed her down on the bed, furiously holding both her hands in his as she had began to whimper in dismay. Her cries grew louder as she felt his breath near her bare neck and his harsh touches when he began to push open her nightwear.

Sitara knew what he was doing. It was his way of punishing her by making her feel ashamed for her actions by instilling both fear and pain in her. It always made her curl up in disgust but she had come to that point in her marriage where she knew that none of her saying would actually matter. 

"Asad, I'm pregnant." She didn't trust him or his anger. He had always ended up being very rough and it was her last trimester. The doctors had advised her a complete bed rest because her situation was a lot more delicate than what a normal woman's would be. Her concerns for her baby were valid, but she feared that her husband wouldn't even attempt to understand them when blinded by so much rage.

Her shaking hands tried pushing his face away when he had began to hover over hers, trying to press kisses down her skin as she protested to free herself from his hold. 

"Shut up, bitch." He groaned in irritation, violently grabbing her hair and stared down into her pain ridden face. Her pale face had reddened so much as her pleas seemed to have been growing low with time. It was evident that she was getting exhausted. 

Sitara had closed her eyes, preventing her tears from being seen by him. She knew they gave him pleasure and that thought would disgust her. 

He hadn't cared for his wife or even the baby as he was beginning to force himself down on her, rejecting all her cries in pleas that wandered off in thin air. She didn't know why or how had he ended up like that. 

Everything was fine a while ago.

For a very long time, she had found herself ignoring her mistreatment. She had let him yell at her whenever he was ridden with stress for little to no fault of hers. He'd raise his hand too. It was all under the pretence of him venting his so called anger. He said that it was because he had to work very hard and often she would end up adding to his miseries with her actions and misdoings. He always told Sitara that she deserved them. 

But whenever he felt her slipping away from his control or trying to take a stand for herself in a matter, he had forced himself on her. It was his way of projecting that same control and dominance. 

Sex was never about love or pleasure between them, but a way of conveying that he owned her body. He loved instilling fear in his wife's heart, a place which should've been filled with love instead. 

The truth was that Asad never saw her as an equal. For him, she was always that woman whose parents were desperate for marrying herself off to him. Who were compelled to give their daughter away into his house because their debts knew no bounds. 

Instead of letting her heart fill with love, he wanted a hold over her thoughts and body. He believed that he owned her and anything that she'd do against his will was an offence. 

A lone tear cascaded down her cheek when she felt him finishing. Her body ached terribly and skin was laden with bruises and scratches. She winced, feeling him abandon her. He lay on his side with his back facing her while her lips muffled with cries. 

Sitara couldn't move for the longest time. She lay on that cold bed in denial, completely stripped of everything. More than her clothes or her dignity, it was her soul that was left bare. 

She knew that she couldn't bring her child into a life like this. That thought was enough to even bring her numbed senses to a jolt. It was the moment when she had decided that she had endured enough.